Work vs Benefits

I am benefit scum.

Not the label that I like to be addressed by (for that is Erica McBoob) no this label is given to me by the Daily Mail, Daily Mail readers, the council from whom I rent my accommodation, and anyone else who doesn’t know anything about me. A passer by in the street perhaps.

You see due to a disability I have had since birth I am actually entitled to benefits. These are not lavish enough to live upon, so to supplement my thirst for Miracle Spring Water. I have to work. I pay my own rent, and bills. Though quite why the council expect me to be home during the day so they can maintain my house, is beyond me.

During my working life I have met some truly wonderful people and even though I can’t stand my job now it is because of it I have developed as a person. Sorry, enough of the Star Trek sentiment!!

Currently the retirement age for a fine specimen of a man such as myself is 65. It will raise I believe to 75 by the time I reach 60. By that time I imagine I will be on the floor, pulling myself around my office by my nostrils. My ankle in this my 30th year decided to make acquaintance with Arthur Ritus, apparently it’s a long term relationship, not at all platonic because my ankle is engaged in a slow foreplay readying itself to be fucked.

When this happens and other bits just fall off. I think that I will not actually be fit to work, as opposed to now when I am just drunk. (Joke, bosses future and present) So what am I supposed to do. I would like to plan for the future, find out what money would be available be it pension, benefits, salary.

Do you think I can do this?

No. Ask anyone benefit related future questions and they tell you they can’t tell you until you are in the position you need help.

I am a reasonable man. I understand that in 30 or so years lots can change. So I wouldn’t expect amounts to be anymore than a ballpark figure. As it is, if I retire before I should, which I probably will. I stand to lose money because my pension will have not run it’s intended term. Whereas if I did what was expected…

If I didn’t work, contributed nothing to schools, hospitals by way of tax. Stayed in bed, my ankle would be in good shape, all virginal and pristine. My rent would be paid, benefit would cover my bills with maybe enough left over to buy Miracle Spring Water due to the fact that I could get free bus travel after 9:30am, because I don’t have to be anywhere at a certain time. When I reached the pensionable age nothing would change, except the name of my benefits.

This wouldn’t suit me. It’s the right path for some and this is not a dig at them. Me however I’d go stir crazy. On a sunny day like today I’d love to not have been at work, but as one sunny day runs to another, and another I’d be bored in about 4 weeks.

The support given to the mildly disabled, or moderately disabled and driven in the workforce is very poor. Who would have thought it would have been possible to not be disabled enough? I’m not asking for handouts, just advice and guidance to keep on the road. Not roadside assistance when the wheels have fallen off, by then it’s too late as I would have already fallen into the stereotypical pigeonhole that the Mail readership always wanted for me.




  1. Amen.

    So many parts of the system are broken I question if it’s reasonable to refer to it as such? Governments once knew what they were doing, and were respected for it. Nowadays they appear to be little more than a comedy sideshow to the U.S. or the E.U.(depending on whose turn it is).

    P.S. You forgot to mention “Special Brew drinker” in your stereotype!

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