How many times have you jumped so far this year? Not out of a plane or into a long jump pit but jumped out of surprise. You know the kind of “Oh my God Mark! What are you doing in my dress and stockings, it’s not Tuesday.” Kinda jump.
I bet you it’s less than me.
Yes as part of my continued quest to shine daylight on the magic that is disability, I bring you random jumping. Yes a wonderful effect of cerebral palsy means that should a sparrow fart when I’m not expecting it I jump, like a Magnum (the gun as opposed to the ice cream or Tom Selleck) has gone off in my ear. This might be fine, you might think, you’d surely get used to it. No. You don’t.
The reason why you don’t get used to it is the shear variety of ways it can effect you. Balloons are bastards, people popping said items, even when I know what is going to happen, I’m jumping more than a jack-in-the-box. Sometimes, jumping joins forces with the lack of balance with hilarious consequences, you jump and you fall down too. If I remade the video to “99 Red Balloons” I’d fill a whole Video Bloopers show all to myself.
School was a nightmare, especially the drama studio. Now I loved drama, wasn’t too good at it, but I enjoyed it. However we occasionally used to do these exercises, which involved laying down on the floor and getting as relaxed as possible, picturing we are off in a garden or something like that. Being a drama studio the room was largely empty, meaning the school bell signalling it’s “half period” warning was at it’s loudest. Couple this with my “relaxed” state and I jump up to the ceiling, to be laughed at by all, including the drama teacher.
The jump effect I hate most though. Is the tea / hot beverage jump. I love tea, drink it by the gallon. Carry it carefully from kitchen to lounge only for the phone to ring or something to fall down, do I keep composed? After all the tea is very hot. Do I fuck, I jump, tea flies through the air, usually close or over any expensive equipment I have. To top it all, it always seems to occur when I’m hankering after a cuppa the most. So I have to mop up and make another one.
Big deal you may say. But when this happens on a regular basis, you get tired of it. If I could change one thing about my disability it would be that. That over the not being able to walk, or being as dextrous as someone trying to pick up cooked pasta using only their arseholes. Yes those things I can live with, plan for, work around. What can I say, jumping catches me by surprise.