Hooray it’s Bonfire Night/Guy Fawkes Night/Firework Night/Whizz Pop Bang Oopsie High Explosives soiree (as it’s known in my head)
By hooray I of course mean oh no. There are several things wrong with the whole practice as always its down to me to point out the wrongness of the party people.
It’s November, always cold, 9 times from 10 wet. If at any other time during the winter someone said “Lets look at the sky” they would get short sharp shrift.
In the world of “I’m skint” of which I am accustomed it seems silly to me to set fire to large amounts of cash or pay to watch other people set fire to large amounts of cash. (I acknowledge that my skintness allows me to have a iPhone 5s but that lasts longer than 5 seconds of ooh and arr and there is a firework app)
Oooh and arr:
When you have seen one whizzy bang twirl you have pretty much seen them all. So there is nothing for it other than to ooh and arr noises like two teenage honeymooners (or pirates) It’s inane.
Health and Safety:
Usually this is where I spout some stuff and nonsense about health and safety ruining it for everyone. In this case actually no. Huge fire, next to a bunch of explosives, next to a bunch of small children holding naked flames in the form of sparklers. All we need to complete the Wiley Coyote section of this Roadrunner Cartoon is a Acme Anvil. “You dial two 9’s Mildred. When you hear the loud bang followed by screams dial the third.”
Toyota Prius Owners:
Near my house there are several Prius drivers. In years previous I have been driving past these houses where the orthopedic shoe known as a car adorns the driveway. Without fail there has been a big bonfires in their gardens with tyres belching huge plumes of black smoke up into the sky. Yet you lecture me about my 1.6 Diesel carbon footprint. Next year don’t have a bonfire.
Smart phone videos and pictures:
I have been guilty of this in the past photos of fireworks using equipment that is not set up correctly. So you end up with 25 pictures of blackness with one that has half a pink smudge. None of which you will ever look at again.. Ever.
Penny for the Guy. Guy Fawkes of course, the man who tried to blow up parliament and with it the protestant king of England to try and get a catholic man on the big chair. Why catholics what to celebrate one of their most high profile failures is beyond me. Kinda like me knocking one out to this.
If you are out and about tonight, enjoy yourself in the knowledge you will never top this.
Be sure to visit the Resident Weebles blog. He truly is a guy for all seasons.