Page 101

Things sent to Page 101. In no particular order, cos hatred does not work like that, hatred is a twisted ball of grrrr and cannot be constrained by any numerical system.

Chris Martin:

Him from Coldplay. Coldplay is music for people who have no opinion on music. The audio equivalent of magnolia paint. Magnolia is natural it stirs no emotion whatsoever, it sells by the bucket load, yet no-one really talks of it.

In a musical conversation if you say “I like Coldplay” there will be one of two responses “Oh” and no more is said. Or from likeminded (non musically opinionated) person “Me too.” And then no more is said.

The leader of the bland.. sorry band Chris Martin. Your band front man should be a figure head, Mick Jagger, Jimi Hendrix, Robert Plant, James Hetfield hell even Bono. A guy or girl able to whip up the crowd into a frenzy. Martin able to whip up the crowd into mediocrity.

The Edge:

Whilst we are on a musical tirade. The Edge a man who doesn’t so much play his guitar as program it. When I was a kid I had a toy guitar that had 12 preset riffs available at the press of a button. As a teenager I tried to learn the guitar and failed (even though my guitar is still in my lounge, one day it will sing) The Edge must have had the same toy, because every piece of guitar in every single U2 song is processed repeater pedal crap.

Also, I was recently watching a Rory Gallagher documentary. The Edge appeared, and apparently was best friends with Rory in his youth. Gallagher is dead now, so he cannot confirm, nor does The Edge have pictures. Slash on the other hand, has pictures. Strange that.

Pointless Stats:

My working life is dominated by stats. Numerics, forcast models. I spend hours each day bringing together all this stuff for it to be sent in an email and ignored by people on four times my salary. When they are gracious enough to read what I’ve put I am bombarded by inane requests for commentary explaining what it all means. Because they can’t understand the charts.

Charts which they requested. Charts which I informed them were too packed with crap to be of any use to anyone other than a abstract art exhibition. When they finally understand, they want me to massage the figures to represent something that isn’t there. Thus rendering this whole exercise pointless.

Boys who wear trousers who show all their underwear:

Pull those things up. No-one wants to see that. No-one ever. Women never do that, perhaps they should. I mean to just have guys doing it is sexist. Women get your frillys out. It’s in the name of equality.

iPhone users who don’t use Folders

So you have a new iPhone with 500 apps installed but you need to scroll through 25 screens to access them folders were introduced with iOS 4. Just hold your finger on any app until they jiggle, then drag over the top of another app. Hey presto folder!

People Who Drive Through Safari Parks with Windows Down

Ok so you’ve come on your family day out to the Safari park. You drove past 6 million signs in every language known to man (including Welsh) the signs tell you to keep moving and keep your windows wound up. But apparently you think these wild animals aren’t gonna hurt you or steal your food. I hope the Lions maul you and your kids.

One comment

  1. To be fair, Chris Martin is an appropriate front man for Coldplay. Imagine if they had someone like James Brown:

    Owww-uuu!!!!!!!!!!!! Yellow–wuu, YeLLLLLLLLOOOOO-wwuuuuNNNNNNNNNGHHHH!!!!

    That might be quite fun actually.

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