The Christmas Perineum

A phrase stolen off of a tweet from the wonderful Charlie Brooker who’s  2013 Wipe Review of the year is still on iPlayer.

Yes the time between Christmas and New Year. It seems to me people wander round not really knowing what they should be doing. I mean Christmas and New Year are so very structured:

25th Dec

  1. Make sure turkey is in
  2. Unwrap presents
  3. Eat chocolate for breakfast, feel a little sick
  4. Find presents you haven’t unwrapped
  5. Eat Turkey
  6. Eat
  7. Eat some more
  8. Threaten to kill at least one family member
  9. Break at least one present
  10. (UK) Argue about watching The Queen / Watch The Queen
  11. Drunken stupor

26th Dec

  1. Regret
  2. (US) Back to work, really? Boxing Day richest country in the world and a day off to recover from Christmas is beyond you? OK
  3. Boxing Day, sporting day so maybe watch your team lose #AdkinsOut
  4. Eat leftovers
  5. Eat new food that someone brought especially (Mad world people)
  6. Sales (Farting all the way)

Now the abyss, the days which aren’t called anything. They may as well be January 17th for all that matters! What do you do? Some people had to work on the 27th, but some were able to take time off. But what do you do? Do you go to see friends? They might be at work, or gone to see family they made an excuse not to see on Christmas Day. TV is shit, all the good stuff was on a few days ago. Do you hit the sales (again)? Noooooooo screams your bank card, are you mad you don’t get paid yet. So you fart about, going hither and yon trying to find quality time to do something, anything.

All spent floating around. Saying maybe we should do this, or maybe that. Maybe I should write a blog piece that no-one will read. On the 30th you will discover that the beer you got from that bloke expired on the 29th. So you will buy some beer 2 crates for £16. Forgetting that the offer in the summer was 3 crates for £16. “Well it’s New Year”

31st Dec
New Years Eve: Cretins Holiday
A time for people who need to be told when and exactly how to have fun Whoo yeah, man made time celebration. It’s gonna be different, overnight. Yeah like it is for the other 300+ overnights.

1st Jan

  1. Regret
  2. Hangover
  3. Looking forward to the next 6 months of writing a 3 when you should write a 4

Happy New Year people, despite being a miserable bastard I hope 2014 is for you, dear reader, a year filled with Beauty, Happiness and Light. Who knows it might even happen for me too.


You Fat Bastard

It’s the new year. Some people will have resolved to lose weight partly due to the fact that those extra Turkey sandwiches have given people guilt pangs. Channel 5 in the UK have come up with the masterstroke of showing “50 Shocking Facts About Diet and Exercise.” A tongue in cheek show showing lots of people are really guilable when it comes to how they treat their bodies. Now I’m naturally skinny, lucky me. But I will give you a secret to health. Its simple.

Eat in proportion to how active you are! If you are too fat, eat less become more active. We are simple creatures. All this calorie counting, Atkins, and Weight Watchers is all bollocks. The long term success rate of Weight Watchers is scandalous. As high as 2 in 1000. If you car only worked 2 in a thousand times you wouldn’t say it was a good car. Remember people Weight Watchers make money by keeping you at meetings, if you stop going and reach your target weight and stay there they lose your subs.

Fad diets are even worse. Atkins, G – Plan, no bread, whatever. Balance is the key. Too much or too little of anything is bad for you. Simple. Your body will tell you if you are feeling ok. Listen to it. Too many aches and pains, breathlessness after scratching your arse. Probably a sign you should do something, what you do is up to you. A bunch of crystal meth will take those pounds off but it will probably screw with your body in other ways ruining the balance!

Humans are a balanced species. We can do almost everything except fly. We can run, but not too fast. We can jump, but not too high. Cheetahs can run fast but they are crap Archers, nor can they tell any good jokes. Humans are the archetypal “Jack/Jill of all trades” some of us are tall some are short, some are fat. The fact is that many people we aspire to be are freaks. I mean freaks in the nicest possible way. Michael Phelps the record breaking American swimmer is freakishly good at swimming. His muscles are the optimum dimensions for swimming. Anyone trying to compete is already on to loser before they enter the pool. It is only age that has made things a little more competitive.

By Karen Blaha (Flickr profile) (Original webpage:[1] Website publisher: Flickr) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons


Healthy is a myth. Another body image projected by the media. Personal wellbeing is something that should be promoted. But it can’t be packaged and sold, because it is different for different people. Some people carry weight in fat, others in muscle. Some people will be skinny and feel like shit, others will feel ok. Because we are balanced, anything to the extreme is bad.

Diet anything, programs, foods, drinks are all marketing ways to get people to part with their cash. If you want a Coke, drink a full fat coke. Enjoy it. It has less chemicals in it than Diet Coke. Just don’t drink loads of it. Balance, moderation. Simple

I’m off now to kill Special K advertisers. Happy New Year, eat enjoy be happy.

It’s Beginning to feel it’s not like Christmas

I know I’m not 8 years old anymore, waiting for an old man to empty his sack nearby, but enough about my appearance on Jim’ll Fix It. Yes back in the day I awaited the arrival of old saint nick at Christmas time, just like any other child.

As I passed through to adulthood my interest in Christmas waned. But come the week of the big day I snuggled in, and felt the festive warmth. Albeit less warmth than most but some was there. This year I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Why? A number of reasons.

Due to financial stuff I have turned down every offer of a Christmas drink, with my real friends, not the people I mentioned in my previous post. The offers were thin on the ground too. Everyone has just that little bit less cash to go around. Even if I had been a “work friend” kinda guy the work Christmas party tickets were £20. Up from £2.50! Hardly festive.

It’s mild here.5 degrees C as I write this. Nothing could be deep and crisp and even in this balmy warmth. I don’t like snow, but the cold is something I associate with Christmas, warming drinks, warming food, cold weather. Thats why I think Australia would mess me up. Christmas barbecue. No thanks.

I am not religious in the slightest, nor am I seeking salvation. So I am not gonna toss on about the commercialisation of Christmas, because it has always been there. I do think it’s worse now than ever. People visiting the Coca-Cola truck as it tours the country as if it is some kind of pilgrimage, or visiting the John Lewis snowman. The marketing circle is complete.

By Stengaard (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons

Holidays… came..

I am not looking forward to the main event at all. But at least the hoopla will be over for at least another 9 months! I am however looking forward to the new episode of Doctor Who.

For what it’s worth. I hope all of you my dear valued readers have an excellent time, doing what you want to do over the festive period. Thanks for dropping by this year and supporting my rambling. That truly is time you will never get back, every page view or like means a lot to me. So a million thanks.

See you all in 2013.