Arsehole

Don’t Panic

Easier said than done eh Corporal Jones of Dad’s Army.

I have lived with panic attacks now since my early teens, for the most part I can deal with the signs of them impending and head them off at the pass with not quite consummate ease. Except of course when I can’t and it all goes horribly wrong.

Case in point, work conference 200 miles away from home, so a double overnight stay. Didn’t sleep a wink despite driving and being tired. Cue the panic, cue the nausea, cue the sweating, dizzy spells. My hands are tingling now just thinking about it. Lucky I have a very supportive set of colleagues at the moment who were able to talk me down from many a metaphorical ledge that I’d reached the edge of at approximately 3am in the cold morning light.

The conference itself went fine. Of course it did. Will that stop me panicking at similar events going forward. Probably not no. Why? I can only venture a guess that when things get that bad and the physical and mental combine to give you the “night of your life” the rational becomes like a mythical dragon that was banished long ago. So you can’t say “Well it was fine that time before” because your internal arsehole mind replies back with “But what if it’s not this time”

Real Ramblings of my Arsehole Mind in panicsville:-

“What if I piss myself in front of everyone?”
“What if I shit myself in front of everyone?”
“What if everyone hates me?”
“What if I don’t know anyone?”
“What if there is someone there I know?”
“What if they find out I’m dumb”
“What if I never sleep again and crash the car?”
All these hits and many more….

I have further challenges in the next few months and in a effort to quell the Arsehole Mind I know I will have to consult tutors and managers to tell them of my fears for situations. I figure its best to be upfront so that people can at best help or at least be aware. However its a double edged sword because these consultations will almost certainly be my first communications with people. I want to convey enthusiasm, interest hell even talent. The Arsehole Mind forces me to display weakness, self involvement and a lack of confidence, straight out. The social equivalent of meeting the girl of your dreams and crapping your kicks before you’ve said “Hello”

Maybe thats a real worry after all.

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(WMB4X) Cupid Stunt

We’ve all done it. That’s what people say. You drop the Mona Lisa and someone will say “we’ve all done it” I do wonder if everyone’s level of despair is the same as mine. When I’ve made a mistake that feeling can stay with me for months.

Take now for instance. The commute to work. I’ve been very lucky to just get a new car. Me being me, I piled into the nearest kerb and punctured my tyre I am now waiting for the RAC (roadside assistance) I feel so unbelievably stupid. Genuine hatred for myself and my inability to drive. If I could go home and cry I would.

Alas I am supposed to be heading to work so tears and tantrums will have to wait (at least til I’m there)

I guess it’s not ineptitude that gets me. I guess it’s another form of frustration. Something that engulfs my life. Walking, driving, sexing. Hell it’s only on some occasions I’m good at sleeping.

I know we all do stupid things. But it doesn’t make it any better. In this aspirational modern life, the pressure to succeed first time every time is ever constant. The slightest fuck up and we are replaced by someone with better qualifications and nicer teeth. Anyone willing to hold their hands up and say I failed may as well top themselves. Hide it or face facts that they won’t get another roll of the dice.

Is that a good thing? Does it promote higher personal standards and raise us all up by our bootstraps. Or does it teach us never to enjoy the things we have done well at to bask in the glory because even the greatest success could have been better. There are now record numbers of people on anti-depressants comforting right now because it means I’m not the only one that wants to throw myself off a kerb (well I mounted one so I gotta get down again.) But surely that means two things, 1. There are doctors over prescribing and 2. Society as a whole is on the face of it unhappier now than ever before.

Why?

Well if I knew that I wouldn’t be such a cupid stunt.

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Be sure to visit the Resident Weebles blog. To check out his less cretinous behaviour

(28DW) Faith.. the Inspiration

For the past few days I have bored most of you with my fiction. Here is why I did it. Back to rants.. sorry opinion pieces tomorrow.

I’ve written about this guy before. It frustrates me we live in a world where people like this are able to prey on people during their weakest moments and get super rich. Even after being discredited previously.


Please check out the work of my 28DW friends at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium or I’ll send you some more miracle water.