“You do have knees, right?”

“It’s hard to have a relationship in this business…it’s gonna take a very special woman…or a bunch of average ones.”

~Bill Hicks

Wow a surprise me starting a piece with a Bill Hicks quote. This is very true when disability is involved too. So to paraphrase.

“It’s hard to have a relationship if you have a disability…it’s gonna take a very special woman…or a bunch of average ones.”

Now in my experience the bunch of average ones don’t wanna know, or mores the point I don’t wanna know them. I know it’s never going to end well and I have never been one for the one night knee trembler, I’d fall down.

So that leaves it to the “very special woman” Now very special women are hard to find, I have had a few in my life and screwed things up with them royally. I am proof that disabled men are still men and as much as Channel 4 still try to paint us as Superhuman, we are prone to the same mistakes as the more able. We can be bastards at times.

One day however fuck ups aside, that special woman may come along. You know the one with low standards and no sense of smell. Hopefully you all live happily ever after in a castle with a access ramp. But in any relationship there are things that are negatives, things that you know make you less than her idea of perfection. Now in a “non disabled” relationship these issues can stay hidden for years, or at least swept under the carpet, suppressed and turned into a aneurysm.

The crutches or the wheelchair or the twitch or however a disability rears it’s head makes sure that for the disabled person these issues are in the forefront and must be discussed slap bang in the middle of the “look at me aren’t I great, I’m trying to impress you” phase. The last thing you want to do.

Two choices of course.
Lie: “I was in a accident/plane crash/Black Friday PS4 scrap”
This is good and if you do it well enough it could ensure that Mr Happy gets to play. Bad side of this is that if she is that special lady, what are you gonna do when your accident injuries don’t get better.

Truth: This could result in lots of talking, some stupid questions “You do have knees right?” it could also result in ridicule, turning your special woman into a heartless harlot in a few seconds. But if this happens you know that she wasn’t the one for you in the first place.

I read somewhere that 75% of people would not consider sex with a disabled person. I would count myself in that bracket it’s difficult enough when one of you can’t balance to manage a 64 let alone a 69. But the odds are stacked against you, especially when you consider the normal criteria and preferences.

In short. Disability one of the best cockblocks known to man
If you find anyone willing to jump that and then jump you cherish them, because they are a very special person indeed.

Sex-dolls
Some of the average ones
“You do have knees, right?”

“What you reading for?”

The title of this piece is of course stolen from the below Bill Hicks bit . But it is appropriate, what are you reading this for? My blog. Is it because you are my friend and you feel obliged to or do you just like the cut of my jib. Did you search for “Kelly Brook Fat” again and are frustrated you find yourself here instead of looking at a photoshopped Miss Brook. Kelly is lot of things, fat is not one of them.

I write this following the news that one of the bloggers I “follow” (I hate that wordpress changed it from subscribe) is to quit writing because amongst other things his readership has dwindled. Mine has never been high, my Status Quo gig review has been my biggest hit, largely because no-one else wrote one but 108 hits in a day in my career high. As I have been sporadic in updating averages of 20 views have fallen to 3 or 4. All folks looking for strange things.

When I first started this, I was consumed by viewing stats and I still am up to a point. After all this is not a diary, it is an opinion piece and I’d like my world view to be seen and discussed, even if it is “What a misguided arse SudoOne is.” What I don’t want to do however is write things to try and get hits, a thing that I have caught myself doing on occasion. I need to write well and more often for the 3 or 4 who might read it and that’s it.

I would love to write professionally. But due to my inability to deal with rejection I will never send any of the bits I write to be published. So this blog is a halfway house. It gets me writing, its allows me to express my (messed up) opinions to the anonymous masses (up to 20 of them at a time)

So I am writing for me. Not to be popular, not for money (I get no money from any ads that appear) I am writing for me, and for you dear reader my sincere thanks, but don’t expect to like or enjoy everything.

I just hope it doesn’t suck. I continue to be surprised, what the hell are you reading for!

“What you reading for?”

Dave Allen

BBC 2. Home of Top Gear and Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Showed something awesome tonight, very good. If you missed it or have not heard of it’s subject matter. Stop reading this, go seek it out now. BBC 2 showed, Dave Allen: God’s Own Comedian.

Dave Allen is without a doubt my favourite comedian, yes I will talk of Hicks (who even has the honour of adorning this page) I will talk of the genius of Pryor. But Dave Allen, the first TV comic to make a young Sudo laugh. In 1990 I was 10, my Mum (she of Ed McBain influence) would tell me about Dave Allen. I was allowed to sit up late, probably about 10:30pm and watch. The Classic theme tune would start and a grey haired man, aged to a 10 yr old, would walk past a backed bar stool to the microphone. He would then begin to talk in a captivating irish tone.

I always wondered why he never sat on the stool. Only later thanks to the wonders of VHS would I find out that Dave used the stool on his earlier shows. I remember my whole family laughing at the stories this one man on his own on stage would tell. Exposing the absurdities of life long before the likes of Michael McIntyre, doing it in such a subtle nature that is nowhere in comedy these days. The pauses, the timing. The anger, the vitriol.

The show the BBC showed tonight was great because I have made every attempt to learn about the work of Dave before I was even a twinkle in my Dad’s eye. Dave hated repeats, so nothing is ever shown. This documentary showed footage of his early break in Australia, which I had never seen. Also featured was Dave’s documentary making which had past me by.

What however prompted me to write this blog piece was this there is a very small segment of this around 52 mins where Dave is being interviewed by Clive James where he says that language (swearing) is emphasis. I have always used this to explain when challenged on my own filthy fucking language, not sure where I got it from. It surprised me, how much of the wisdom of Dave Allen I picked up.

Allen like Hicks, I feel is needed in todays world. In the 8 years since he died the world, religion, politics and every aspect of life needs someone to poke away at it more than ever. Make the common helpless man feel sane for at least half an hour a week.

Thanks for reading and…. may your god go with you.

Dave Allen

Quest for Immortality

Everything will kill you. If you read the news these days, drinking, not drinking, smoking, eating, not eating. Eating the wrong things, eating the right things. You should of course refrain from doing anything otherwise it will be sure to cause imminent death

Since when did the purpose of life become immortality. If you enjoy smoking, smoke. Be considerate to those around you when you do it so it doesn’t effect anyone else. I’m not suggesting you spark up a “fat one” in the middle of a kiddies ball pool or that you blow smoke into the faces of your attendees at the anti-natal group. You might get cancer but then so might I a non-smoker. As Bill Hicks used to say:-

“I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . . Enjoy your evening. See, I know that you entertain this eternal life fantasy because you’ve chosen not to smoke, but let me be the 1st to POP that bubble and bring you hurling back to reality . . . You’re dead too.”

The only time I have a problem with anyone doing anything “bad” to themselves is when it becomes bad for other people. You should maybe consider giving up the cancer sticks if you have children. But not if doing so makes you cranky and shouty at your kids. Would you like your kids to remember you as someone who was great fun to be around but died or someone who was miserable and around for ever.

If when you drink, you turn into a fool, picking fights with everyone and are no fun to be around. You probably should stop drinking. If you have had a liver transplant ahead of thousands of others, you should stop drinking. If you choose to drink a skin full and get behind the wheel of car, you should be shot. However if you enjoy a few pints of a Friday night, have a laugh and cause no trouble drink on. It should be cheaper.

Excesses in excess are always bad. They will kill you eventually. But if you know that and it doesn’t impact on the happiness of others what a way to go. John Entwhistle bass player with The Who died of a cocaine induced heart attack in a hotel room with a stripper who was half his age. Rest assured he died happy.

Churchyard, Hatherleigh
No amount of pro-biotic yogurt can save you from this
Quest for Immortality

It’s Bill!

“Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I’ve been on the road now doing comedy 12 years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I’m kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn’t possibly think of yourselves.”

Today would have Bill Hicks’ 50th Birthday if hadn’t died age 32 from pancreatic cancer in 1994. The world is a poorer place without him. Bill, for those who don’t know was a comedian the likes of which we don’t see today. He was not a gag merchant, he was not afraid to swim against the tide of popular opinion whilst his contemporaries were all about hinting their maybe something wrong with 90’s corporate America or the Gulf War, Bill told it like it was. This brand of home-truth was new to the majority of America and effected his popularity on home shores. The British however lapped it up.

“Amazing, you’re not gonna believe this it’s true, the last show I did. Belfast, Ireland, never been to Belfast Ireland, played to 900 screaming adoring fans at a turn of the century theatre that Oscar Wilde performed in. Only to come back to America, a country I’ve toured ceaselessly for fifteen years. To play Adolf’s comedy bunker in Idaho. And find twenty five apathetic people, strangers one and all, staring at me like a dog that has just been shown a card trick.” Bill on his return to the states.

I was 14 when Bill died, and up until that point I hadn’t (like most of America) seen much of his act. But subsequently I have made up for this by watching and re-watching anything I can get my hands on that Hicks had the vaguest connection with. (Because of this I have seen everything Denis Leary did too) I wish Bill was still alive, a lot of the concerns he had and expressed so well in the late 80’s early 90’s have been proved to be more than justified. I would love to hear Bill’s thoughts on X-Factor, Glee, Apple, Afghanistan, “The War on Terror” and so many other things.

The world still needs Bill Hicks, I still need Bill Hicks. I have a printout of the “Just a Ride” speech on my desk at work. It gets me through. Thank you Bill for making my ride a little more bearable.

It’s Bill!

Marketing Factor

Genius of Simon Cowell. Mogul behind and in front of the X-Factor, begins with the naming of the show.

The X factor, a factor which no-one can quantify. It’s just a little something extra (or X-tra, as Syco Productions would put it) So thousands of “hopefuls” every year queue for hours and hours to enter a competition which in theory has no criteria, as long as you have the X-factor you should go far. It’s predecessor in the UK “Pop Idol” has clearer aims from the outset, to create a pop idol. This premise will killed stone dead when Michelle McManus won, because she could sing, but a Pop Idol she was not.

,I hate to draw comparisons between Michelle McManus and Mama Cass, because Mama Cass had a much better voice and recording success but… both were larger ladies. Both could hold a tune. Both would not make it in todays pop chart because as Music Market men would say they have a “image problem” which is marketingspeak for “they are fat and ugly”

So with the fat and ugly tarnish on the “Idol” franchise in the UK, X factor was born. If the purpose of the competition is to find someone with the X-factor, this competition would be difficult if not impossible to judge. After all someone who can fart the national anthem has a certain X-factor but not one you could market and sell on iTunes. This problem is resolved because apparently you only can have the X-factor if you are singer, which sounds a lot more like the criteria for “Idol” hmmm.

It returned to Saturday nights last week with another refresh. New judges Gary Barlow, Kelly Rowland and Tulisa from N-Dubz (I’m assuming “from N-Dubz” is her last name) joined Irelands favourite son Lois Walsh. Walsh also appeared recently on BBC’s Top Gear program. Jeremy Clarkson quizzed him on his musical taste. Walsh is apparently a huge Led Zeppelin fan. Which begs the question why does he inflict the world with the likes of Westlife? Jeremy Clarkson to his credit asked this. Walsh replied, “Because the kids buy it” There is a market for making money in other words.

Why do the kids buy it? Well, they like the sound.. that’s an unfortunate given. But if you thought you were trapped in a room with only wallpaper to eat for the next 20 years, you might end up liking the taste of the wallpaper. I’ve written before about the saturation of “pop music” on UK radio in Sophie Rocks, so I don’t wanna bang on about that here.

Pop music is marketed to kids everywhere in the media. Disney push their artists Selena Gomez, Jonas Brothers et al in between programmes on The Disney Channel, Nick do similar things with Big Time Rush. Breeding familiarity, this works in a similar way to the success of the X-Factor artists. X-factor runs from August until December and whoever wins is guaranteed a hit single due to the mass exposure of Saturday night prime time TV. This success has for the most part tailed off when they are not on TV.

When these x-factor style programmes started I thought it was good. Wow the music industry is finally trying to find un-tapped talent, give exposure to someone who could take the world by storm. However what it actually is, is that the music industry know what they want long before the competition starts, they just want a puppet who they can mould to fit the market. Talent has nothing to do with it. The market is king.

If you are in marketing. Kill yourself.

Marketing Factor