Birthdays: Women and Children only

If it’s your birthday today, Happy Birthday from all of us here at SudoOne. (Just me then) I hope you get all the gifts you want and a cake especially for you. Unless you are a male over the age of 18. In which case, happy birthday mate. I haven’t got you anything because I’m not your Mum. If you are lucky I might buy you a pint. Men don’t do birthdays.

Embed from Getty Images

The male arrangement for birthdays.

I buy a beer, pie or coffee, if birthdays are mentioned at all. If not, all the men I know carry on as if their birthday was nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I refuse to work on my birthday. But this has more to do with me disliking work than anything else. Today is a work colleagues birthday. He is way over 18. He spent £50 feeding people who aren’t his friends, some of them hate him and yet will eat the free food (I didn’t). He works on phones, spent the majority of the morning telling customers it was his birthday. Now I know you have to build a rapport with the great unwashed but when your customer wants to do what he needs to do and hang up (Sounds like I work on a Sex line) your ‘special day’ matters diddly squat and mentioning it can come across as unprofessional.

Food rituals in the workplace are bullshit too. Its a unwritten rule that you have to bring stuff for your birthday, and you are judged on the quality of food you get, catering for all allergies in the office and watching out for those arseholes who will double dip the breadsticks. You are therefore a mixture of You, Jamie Oliver and Robocop.

I like other peoples birthdays. It gives me an opportunity to show the women and children in my life how much they mean to me. Really thats a grand total of three or so gifts (Daughter, Mother and the official photographer of the New York Yankees etc) But those are people I care about and people who I know appreciate what I got them. Not some people I happen to sit in a building with. Birthdays should be banned from the workplace. Which brings me to Yaya Toure.

Yaya Toure protegiendo el balon

Yaya Toure (centre) during a previous spell at Barca. Birthday Cake (not pictured)

I know this is a ruse. Yaya even tried to point it out himself. But for those who don’t know, Toure plays for Manchester City FC and his agent is saying that he will leave because they didn’t wish him Happy Birthday. In all reality he wants to leave because he can get a big bundle of cash from Barcelona. Thats fine with me. (Man doing job wants more money for working). However he does need to sack his agent for the “Birthday” plan because Yaya now looks like a bit of a dick. I hope he stays at Man City just for all the Birthday related chants he’ll get.

My birthday is in June by the way. Hint..


Happy Birthday Mac

30 years ago today the first Apple Macintosh was announced in the US. There was very little whooping and clapping and certainly no-one had been sleeping outside on the New York streets for 3 days to get their hands on one. But what an impact the Mac had. First time I used one I didn’t like it!! It had one mouse button and was being hogged by a friend who was showing me how to put flames round some writing in Photoshop.

No thanks. I thought, I’ll stick to my PC, it runs Championship Manager 2.

I was wrong.

Without the Mac we quite possibly wouldn’t have had The Mouse, Copy and Paste, MS Powerpoint, smartphones, iPods, Usable tablet devices, and digital music stores amongst other things. Sure all these things probably would have sprung up, but in very different forms than they are now. It’s always pointed out to me that Microsoft pioneered the tablet PC years before the iPad. Trouble is Microsoft always want their mobile devices to run the same software as desktops the devices are always doomed. They haven’t learnt from past mistakes.

Microsoft have of course played a huge role in the success of the Mac. Developing MS Office for the Mac and investing $150 million in 1997. At a time where Windows was king and the Mac was on dicey ground indeed.

Fast forward to the present day. Whereas in the UK the PC used to rein supreme the humble Mac has gained a significant market share in the home market. Even in the office where I work more Mac’s are thankfully appearing, I just wish the people who had them (not me) knew how to use them. Mind you it does give me a opportunity to be a Mac Geek at work, which is much better than trying to eat my Dell keyboard because I have tried to use a Mac keyboard shortcut.

Main question I see on Twitter is (computer wise, not about Justin Beiber) “Is the Mac worth the extra money?”

The question in itself is wrong. If you spec the a PC to the levels of the Mac Pro the home built PC will be more expensive. But MacBook Air is more expensive than £250 PC. If you want a machine that is not only usable but runs the same as the day you got it the MacBook Air will not disappoint.

I hope the Mac will continue to be around in some form for at least another 30 years and that Apple continue to Think Different.

Poem: Canadian Sunlight


A chink of Canadian Sunlight lightens up my room,
Which in England is no mean feat.
Across great seas and barriers of time,
At computer screens we meet.

She is a radiant vision,
Brought through in not quite HD
More importantly she did not run for the hills,
Upon first sight of me.

Sometimes I rise early,
Let the sunshine in,
Curse international time zones,
For as her day ends as mine begins.

Maybe one day soon,
We’ll meet but not as binary code,
But right now I’m happy enough,
On the fibre optic high road.

You know how hard it is to find a picture of Canada in the sun!

It’s Bill!

“Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I’ve been on the road now doing comedy 12 years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I’m kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn’t possibly think of yourselves.”

Today would have Bill Hicks’ 50th Birthday if hadn’t died age 32 from pancreatic cancer in 1994. The world is a poorer place without him. Bill, for those who don’t know was a comedian the likes of which we don’t see today. He was not a gag merchant, he was not afraid to swim against the tide of popular opinion whilst his contemporaries were all about hinting their maybe something wrong with 90’s corporate America or the Gulf War, Bill told it like it was. This brand of home-truth was new to the majority of America and effected his popularity on home shores. The British however lapped it up.

“Amazing, you’re not gonna believe this it’s true, the last show I did. Belfast, Ireland, never been to Belfast Ireland, played to 900 screaming adoring fans at a turn of the century theatre that Oscar Wilde performed in. Only to come back to America, a country I’ve toured ceaselessly for fifteen years. To play Adolf’s comedy bunker in Idaho. And find twenty five apathetic people, strangers one and all, staring at me like a dog that has just been shown a card trick.” Bill on his return to the states.

I was 14 when Bill died, and up until that point I hadn’t (like most of America) seen much of his act. But subsequently I have made up for this by watching and re-watching anything I can get my hands on that Hicks had the vaguest connection with. (Because of this I have seen everything Denis Leary did too) I wish Bill was still alive, a lot of the concerns he had and expressed so well in the late 80’s early 90’s have been proved to be more than justified. I would love to hear Bill’s thoughts on X-Factor, Glee, Apple, Afghanistan, “The War on Terror” and so many other things.

The world still needs Bill Hicks, I still need Bill Hicks. I have a printout of the “Just a Ride” speech on my desk at work. It gets me through. Thank you Bill for making my ride a little more bearable.