Bruce Willis

Interviews

“I’ll help you, I’ve had lots of interviews”

An acquaintance at work trying to be helpful, after finding out I have a job interview on Friday. Strange thing though really. Because on the face of it, advice from someone who is well practised at a certain thing has to be good if you are preparing for the same thing. But is that the case with someone who has had a load of interviews?

This of course means one of two things.

1. You are excellent at interviews, but rubbish at the actual job and therefore move around a lot.
Given that this offer of help came from someone at work this could be the true meaning. But it’s more likely to be option 2
2. You are really bad at interviews. Falling at the final hurdle on a regular basis.

This is not a criticism, I myself fall into option 2. Interviews are hard, kinda like a corporate speed date, where you are trying to impress three or maybe four suitors all at once in different ways. However in a marked difference from speed dating, the people sat opposite you are often looking for a carbon copy of their ex. Someone with the same abilities, same traits, same looks and when you look like me, unless I’m following Jesus or Russell Brand chances are I’m not going to get the job.

My Mum always says to me “Are you going to do your hair?” well I’m not going to make sure it is styled so that it looks like I have been pulled through a hedge but this is another thing that gets me about Interviews. Everyone dresses up, plays the game. We all know how to dress up, even scum of the earth who commit so many crimes they know the first names of court clerks. You can see them sat in their best whistle pleading not guilty. So whilst we are playing dress up, why don’t we pretend too? Pretend that I am in my best shirt, with a tie that cuts off circulation to my head, I in turn will pretend that you are pretty and that you don’t spit when you talk.

Interviews are these days it would seem nothing to do with the job you are applying for. Instead opting for a strained (on both sides) conversation complying to a “model” often asking you to display that you are a good team player by using the word “I” numerous times. Because no-one in your team did anything it was all you. If it wasn’t, no job for you sunshine. We don’t want your teamwork here, we want you to go all John McClane in Die Hard.

So onward and upwards, a man stepping up to the plate. Painting on a smile, crossing fingers and toes and hopefully not tongue.. yippee kai yay motherfucker indeed.

And If this piece on interviews was not enough to give me the job, please check out this piece by Miss Four Eyes who blogs much better than I, she also does it naked too.

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(28DW) Flash Fiction Experiment

The following is a flash fiction experiment. I have intentionally not included anything but dialogue. It might be very crap. At best it’s pretentious and for that I make no apologies.


“But that’s besides the point.”
“Besides the point, that is the point.”
“You forced me to do it..”
“Forced you? The whole thing was your idea.”
“Yes but we know from experience I would never have actually…”
“But you did…”
“Let me finish Woman..”
“Woman?! What do you think this is 1955?”
“Oh my god, you are just so frustrating..Save me the vagina monologues”
“Oh yes I’m sorry you were in the middle of blaming me for everything.”
“OK OK.. maybe you aren’t solely responsible.”
“Damn right I’m not.”
“We both agree it had to be done..”
“Well if both means you then yes. Everything was under control.”
“Under control?”
“Perfectly.”
“Loaded gun to the head is under control now is it.”
“I was negotiating.”
“He was about to shoot you!!”
“That’s why I was negotiating. So he didn’t.”
“How would that have worked out do you think?”
“Well we’ll never know now will we. Idiot.”
“I save your life, storming the room and I’m an idiot”
“Well yes. He can’t tell us anything now can he.”
“If I’d left it longer, no-one would have been able to tell you anything. Ever”
“Maybe he wouldn’t have been able to pull his gun if you had frisked him properly.”
“…OK granted I didn’t do that..”
“No you didn’t. And here we are.”
“Yes.”
“Yes.. is that all you can say. We are finished.”
“That’s what I love about you. Optimism.”
“Well I am sorry if my glass is a little half empty. We worked so hard for this, tracked him for months. All night stake outs, meticulous planning. And you.. You come in and do the full Bruce Willis.”
“Yippee kai..”
“For fuck sake!! How in the hell did you make it through training?”
“With flying colours..”
“Yeah, well that speaks volumes of the agencies training courses”
“Your part in this mission has not exactly been covered in glory.”
“Shut up.. Just shut up..”
“Why? Why should I?..”
“He’s gone… the body is gone…”


Please check out the (much better) work of my 28DW pals at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium