The Christmas Perineum

A phrase stolen off of a tweet from the wonderful Charlie Brooker who’s  2013 Wipe Review of the year is still on iPlayer.

Yes the time between Christmas and New Year. It seems to me people wander round not really knowing what they should be doing. I mean Christmas and New Year are so very structured:

25th Dec

  1. Make sure turkey is in
  2. Unwrap presents
  3. Eat chocolate for breakfast, feel a little sick
  4. Find presents you haven’t unwrapped
  5. Eat Turkey
  6. Eat
  7. Eat some more
  8. Threaten to kill at least one family member
  9. Break at least one present
  10. (UK) Argue about watching The Queen / Watch The Queen
  11. Drunken stupor

26th Dec

  1. Regret
  2. (US) Back to work, really? Boxing Day richest country in the world and a day off to recover from Christmas is beyond you? OK
  3. Boxing Day, sporting day so maybe watch your team lose #AdkinsOut
  4. Eat leftovers
  5. Eat new food that someone brought especially (Mad world people)
  6. Sales (Farting all the way)

Now the abyss, the days which aren’t called anything. They may as well be January 17th for all that matters! What do you do? Some people had to work on the 27th, but some were able to take time off. But what do you do? Do you go to see friends? They might be at work, or gone to see family they made an excuse not to see on Christmas Day. TV is shit, all the good stuff was on a few days ago. Do you hit the sales (again)? Noooooooo screams your bank card, are you mad you don’t get paid yet. So you fart about, going hither and yon trying to find quality time to do something, anything.

All spent floating around. Saying maybe we should do this, or maybe that. Maybe I should write a blog piece that no-one will read. On the 30th you will discover that the beer you got from that bloke expired on the 29th. So you will buy some beer 2 crates for £16. Forgetting that the offer in the summer was 3 crates for £16. “Well it’s New Year”

31st Dec
New Years Eve: Cretins Holiday
A time for people who need to be told when and exactly how to have fun Whoo yeah, man made time celebration. It’s gonna be different, overnight. Yeah like it is for the other 300+ overnights.

1st Jan

  1. Regret
  2. Hangover
  3. Looking forward to the next 6 months of writing a 3 when you should write a 4

Happy New Year people, despite being a miserable bastard I hope 2014 is for you, dear reader, a year filled with Beauty, Happiness and Light. Who knows it might even happen for me too.

(WMB4X) Nightmare is Xmas

There were so many things I could have written about for today’s WriteMare Before Xmas (WMB4X) piece. Kennedy, the fact that it’s International Disabled Persons day to name but two. But as I sit here now, not in the greatest of moods. I figured I’d use my melancholy.

I am aware lots of people hate Christmas. Lots of folks really love it too.

Guess which camp I fall in. Yep no surprises. So why am I writing this piece in November, well if shops can have Christmas stock in place by September I can write about Christmas whenever I damn well choose. The shops is a good enough place to start too. I am a single guy, I do my own shopping. Sometimes all I pop in for is a pint of milk, in early September I have to turn into some tinsel hoping, mince pie dodging hurdler just to get a pint of the white stuff. Why? Christmas point of sale displays popping up more often than the penis of an average teenager who is thinking.. about anything.

I wouldn’t mind if it was good stuff either. It’s all tat, overpriced overdraft inducing tat that everyone is guilt tripped into buying.

My house is a Christmas free zone. At least it is until I turn on my TV. Specials from Christmas past, present and future. I know it’s Christmas, I’m trying to avoid it thanks, additionally I know you filmed this in 25 degree heat in the summer in the Kent Countryside, so fuck off, get off my TV and stick your fake snow up your arse. Only safe haven is On-demand.

Work. I hate my job, I hate it at Christmas, pressured into parties with people you want to kill because “it’s Christmas” Also there is the actual work too. No-one does anything, which I have no problem with. However I have to report on people doing nothing by producing stats which people don’t read usually let alone near Christmas. So I have to cover people on leave and produce my normal level of work. Hardly comfort and joy.

Beer. I like a nice pint of real ale in a nice country pub. However around Christmas any pub that is any good is packed to the rafters. Full of occasional drinkers on “house white” or “do you do mulled wine?” again because it’s Christmas. Result being nowhere to sit, meaning no beer for me.

Family. I love my family and extended family which includes my friends. But, no family is perfect, so any fuck ups you have made in the last 20 years, which can be managed or swept under the carpet always rears it’s head at Christmas. Even if it’s nothing serious for you (lucky) there will probably be some git who doesn’t like their present. You spend december walking on egg shells probably for something you can’t even remember. You can’t tell them to fuck off either. Because it’s Christmas.

Christmas blog articles. People with no original ideas writing about Christmas like it’s something special even as early as November….


Visit the blog of the Resident Weeble. Send him a Christmas card. I won’t be.

(WMB4X) Gamer Growing Pain

I remember how I felt Christmas 1991. I had opened all the small boxes and cards, very disciplined for a 10 and a half year old. There was one big box under the tree, I thought this was strange because I had asked for and Atari Lnyx (Atari’s answer to the Gameboy) and that was tiny. I tore off the paper to reveal a Nintendo Entertainment System or NES. My parents thought I would enjoy being able to play on a bigger screen with my friends. It was a good call as the Lynx disappeared from market very quickly.

However my parents didn’t keep their eye on the market because just over a year later in April of 1992 the Super Nintendo was released. Sounding like a spoilt kid now, but I got one Christmas 1992. I was hooked. I have always liked Sports games, so one of the first titles on my SNES was Super Soccer, an international football game. The first team you had to beat to progress through the game was Cameroon. I must have played Cameroon 50 times before I finally beat them. I stuck at it for hours after school and weekends. Fast forward 21 years and I now have a PS3 and I wish I had that determination.

The Last of Us, is a tremendous game. Cinematic immersive game play. It sits on my shelf, unfinished. My friend who has completed it tells me I am close to the end, but I’m stuck. I have played the same bit 6 or 7 times and I can’t get by it, so out it comes. My 10 year old self would have been blown away by the graphics but would have sat in front of it forever until it was done.

Why do I not have the same drive now?

It’s not like I have a major social life or better things to be doing. I do enjoy gaming and although it still gets bad press, it’s a legitimate a hobby as gardening or reading or whatever. It’s great for me cos it raises the heart rate and improves my dexterity.

Is it the games? Super Soccer was me vs the SNES, no online play, no linking to Facebook or a depressingly low Game Center score. On the PC, Grand Theft Auto for example, I completed GTA and GTA London and even more recently on the PS3 GTA IV (not with 100%) but that took me ages to get over the finish line. Years I didn’t play. Now GTA V, you have three protagonists, a fully functional stock market and massive online environment. Now instead of enjoying beating up Whores I’m looking at a stock market screen. I miss the simple fun.

Maybe games aren’t for me. Maybe they are for people with more dextrous fingers and unlimited free time. Like me when I was 10.

Please visit the blog of the Resident Weeble who is always on top of his game.

It’s Beginning to feel it’s not like Christmas

I know I’m not 8 years old anymore, waiting for an old man to empty his sack nearby, but enough about my appearance on Jim’ll Fix It. Yes back in the day I awaited the arrival of old saint nick at Christmas time, just like any other child.

As I passed through to adulthood my interest in Christmas waned. But come the week of the big day I snuggled in, and felt the festive warmth. Albeit less warmth than most but some was there. This year I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Why? A number of reasons.

Due to financial stuff I have turned down every offer of a Christmas drink, with my real friends, not the people I mentioned in my previous post. The offers were thin on the ground too. Everyone has just that little bit less cash to go around. Even if I had been a “work friend” kinda guy the work Christmas party tickets were £20. Up from £2.50! Hardly festive.

It’s mild here.5 degrees C as I write this. Nothing could be deep and crisp and even in this balmy warmth. I don’t like snow, but the cold is something I associate with Christmas, warming drinks, warming food, cold weather. Thats why I think Australia would mess me up. Christmas barbecue. No thanks.

I am not religious in the slightest, nor am I seeking salvation. So I am not gonna toss on about the commercialisation of Christmas, because it has always been there. I do think it’s worse now than ever. People visiting the Coca-Cola truck as it tours the country as if it is some kind of pilgrimage, or visiting the John Lewis snowman. The marketing circle is complete.

By Stengaard (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 ( or GFDL (], via Wikimedia Commons

Holidays… came..

I am not looking forward to the main event at all. But at least the hoopla will be over for at least another 9 months! I am however looking forward to the new episode of Doctor Who.

For what it’s worth. I hope all of you my dear valued readers have an excellent time, doing what you want to do over the festive period. Thanks for dropping by this year and supporting my rambling. That truly is time you will never get back, every page view or like means a lot to me. So a million thanks.

See you all in 2013.

Poem: Festive Lunch

So we gather round the table,
Having paid over the odds,
In case you haven’t guessed,
I’m a “bah humbug miserable sod.”
They twisted my arm to come along,
Paid time off they said,
It’s only on the day,
We are told to take our time instead,
Still in for a Penny in for pound,
In the hope the boss pays for a round,
In the hope I’m sat next to that one bod I like,
In the hope that food is nice,
In the hope that it’s not like last year,
When they run out of beer,

We are not friends round the table,
Everyone cept the most deluded know, but forget,
Making best of just because…
Because of what? Because of a date,
Because some of you think you like each other,
Because Miss “office hot” might let you cop a feel,
Just because you’ve had a meal.

From where I sit, In reality,
It’s still a case of them and me,
They’ll blow festive sunshine up their pipes,
Fake festive smiles never to be wiped,
Why did I pay to share a room with you?
It’s bad enough when they pay me to.

By Photo by M. Rehemtulla [CC-BY-2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

(BDYBIS) Leaks

The following was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend over the recent iPhone 5 launch.

*  *

Picture the scene. You are 8 years old, it’s Christmas. You are sure the fat man has fallen down the chimney with a sack bursting to the brim with toys. You wrote stuff on your list but you are not sure what you are going to unwrap.

Your Mickey Mouse clock next to your bed reads 4:55am, you have been up since 4 but now you sneek into your parents room (hoping Dad has put on PJ’s) to wake them from their slumber so you can get into those parcels and know. Know once and for all what has been bestowed by the powers that be. Were you naughty or nice? Who knows. Your parents roll over in a half asleep flatulant state. Too excited you tip-toe down the stairs for a sneak peek, at least you will be able to see how many gifts you got compared to your sister.

There sat under the illuminated Christmas tree is your 6 year old sister, cradling a Nintendo Entertainment System in her hands. Your Nintendo Entertainment System. Thats it. The excitement of the main present is gone, sure you can open the Chocolate Orange and the pencil sharpener but the pleasure of seeing that black box with Mario on the side being revealed slowly as you can bare from under the silver paper has been robbed from you.

By Matthew Paul Argall (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

I don’t like surprises, now as an adult. Not that I did when I was younger, I always hid when Noels House Party did “NTV” just in case the cameras were in my house. I do like anticipation. I like to know that something is happening, possibly when and where, but I don’t want to know everything straight out. It’s like getting that girl you have been lusting after for years back to your place, only for her to get naked whilst you were cleaning your teeth. You can see her in all her glory but the thrill of not knowing is gone, enjoying the moment of gradually exploring….. Urhm sorry where was I.

I wrote yesterday about the iPhone 5 launch. I said that everything I’ve read about the iPhone 5 was pretty much true, even down to the form factor and the EarPods. I’m pretty sure Apple “leak” information about upcoming products as does every tech firm. But now it’s getting ridiculous. The reveal has gone. OK sure I could avoid the news, like a football fan who has recorded highlights, but I have a Mac to maintain and update. Besides I like Ken Ray (Ba De Yah) and when do I start avoiding. The iPhone 5 started a day after the iPhone 4s had been released.

Years past. No-one knew. There were rumours but no-one really knew. It was a simpler time, it was a better time…