Daily Prompt

Work? Optional!

So todays prompt from the lovely folks at WordPress asks the question would you work if money was out of equation.

Well regular readers will know I love my current job and all of my colleagues are an absolute delight to be around for 6 hours every day. If had no monetary reward I’d still want to be with them every second that was available to me. My work is the reason I live. It’s as important to me as my solid grasp of sarcasm.

If money was out of the equation I would still work, for less time and for a vastly different company in a vastly different field. You see I do have quite high standards for myself, I want to do a good job, be the go-to guy. Be trusted to do a excellent job and leave the customer feeling more satisfied than someone who has had a 48hr free pass to a high end brothel. But where I currently work I am not trusted to order so much as tea and biscuits without managerial approval.

It is like being at school. We are treated like kids, some respond in such a way. Some like me dream rather sadistically (and this is the piece that will be quoted on the news when I finally snap) of disembowelling the vast majority of my co-workers with only a paperclip. (It can be done I have blueprints)

Weapon of Choice

Weapon of Choice

In any given year there are approximately 253 working days for me. 1518 hours a year if I work until I’m 65 (I’ll be dead by then) 45 years working that’s 68310 hours in total.

68310 hours surrounded by people who I have nothing in common with other than a shared work place.
68310 hours surrounded by people who know nothing of what I like (nor me of them)
68310 of dancing to someone elses tune.

I’m tempted to leave right now. But it’s the money that keeps me here or rather the need to have a roof over my fair bonce. I would love to throw this away and do something that helps people, makes me feel good too. Use my 68310 hours for good instead of evil. So wordpress if you want to take money out of the equation and pay my bills I’ll gladly accept your offer of work.. I await your confirmation.

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Poem: Canary

Every year the chillers break,
Every year us workers bake,
Yes it is a sweaty mess,
On the corporate ladder to success,
It’s hard to have blue sky thoughts,
When you are sitting in your boxer shorts,
Sweaty arms, sweaty back,
Sweaty balls, sweaty crack,
Windows you can’t open or close,
Farts from the 80’s all in your nose,
It’s like this throughout the seasons,
Wash everything for hygiene reasons,
Melting hot Summer,
Drafts in the Fall,
Frostbite in Winter,
Spring never happens at all,
Corporate patsies, uniform lines,
Swear they had it better down the mines,
You think I’m joking? Take back what I said?
We had a Canary here. It’s definitely dead.

Part of the WordPress Daily Post: Seasonal Scents

Sixteen Tons Prompt

Regular readers might have guessed that I am not that fond of my job, so when I saw the daily prompt last week. I thought I’d take part (of course I’m late… just like when I’m at work)
It’s strange. I am not one of those people who can be pleased because “at least you have a job” Nor am I happy doing a job where I can see no worth in my output. This is my issue currently. It doesn’t really matter if I turn up or not, there is no scope for promotion or if there is, the work I’m doing now has no impact on my ability to get the higher graded job because everything is based on application and interview. So if you can spin a good line you’ll go far.

I have been in my current job for 6 years. It no longer provides me with a challenge I can use my skill set on. Surprisingly though the longer I stay here needing a new challenge the further I get away from it. I’ll explain.. or at least try to.

Before I arrived here I had skills, I know I did. But now my confidence is so low that I doubt my ability to do anything else. I wasn’t the most confident guy to begin with, but the frustration of this role, combined with failure after failure at interviews for other positions has led me to believe I am completely worthless and it is either this or nothing. For now, for ever.

This has spilled over into my personal life. I have no confidence for anything, which leads me to cling on like a limpet to anything that might be good, and squeeze it until it squirms away. Lots of the time I just want to curl up and die….. hey hey.. come back it’ll be ok. I won’t throw myself off a bridge, knowing my luck I’d screw that up!

(speaking to the camera) What the hell’s going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I’m being shit on, that’s all, shit on! And you know what really pisses me off — [camera pans away] Wait, no, come on back.. OK, things aren’t as bad as they seem… I’ll figure somethin’ out, OK? – Wayne Campbell (Waynes World)

Ok I realise this is wallowing a little. I haven’t stopped trying. To all those people who have met me within the last five years. I am a nice guy, I have a great sense of humour and I like pina coladas and going for walks in the rain. (oops wrong window) I’m sorry you haven’t seen that much. Sometimes I feel like I’ve not smiled since 1987. But guess what. I am currently putting off writing the final “Give me this job please” statement for two jobs whilst I’m writing this. Go me!

Who knows I might get one of those until then…
The vicious cycle continues. I hate work, I have no confidence to get out, frustration levels in my life are very high which makes me not a nice person to be around, so I resent work, I hate work….

(28DW) Undo: Microwave Oven

Never used the daily prompt for motivation before, so I thought I’d give it a go. Just this once. I’ll bring you my own brand of bollocks tomorrow. The daily prompt that caught my eye was Undo. If you could un-invent something, what would it be? Discuss why, potential repercussions, or a possible alternative.

If I could un-invent something it would be the microwave. Why? Well because as Steve Jobs once said about the netbook “it’s not any good” when it was first introduced it was hailed as the cooking device of the future. But all it is used for now is to reheat things and cook the odd jacket potato. Badly.

Photo Christian Rasmussen http://apoltix.dk/

If the microwave had not been invented it would have encouraged people to look for something else that is better, something that produces nicely cooked food. Ready meals would exist in the society we live in today but they would be optimised for oven cooking, producing much better results.

The microwave oven has had a huge social impact on the family unit. Before the radioactive turntable was introduced into the kitchen there was a definite “dinner time” the family would gather around the table and argue, whereas now because they can all eat or reheat whenever they choose your average family is now forced to argue via text or twitter. Face to face family communication in all seriousness is something we are all lacking in the modern world.

If the microwave ceased to be, it would encourage millions of people to learn to cook, proper food, me included. Because beans on toast gets boring very quickly. Up-skilling millions of the worlds population, a kind of X-Factor audition for the next Gordon Ramsey but in your own kitchen and not televised, thank fuck.

It would save the economy because the pre-packed microwave convenience food is either quite expensive or dirt cheap and full of horse. It would encourage people to buy local fresh produce, bringing the cost of this down, because more would be harvested. The health benefits would be immense because the salt content of microwave foods are very high, also the physical activity of preparing food for 20 mins a day should not be underestimated.

Downsides I suppose are, horny teenage boys will have no place to make their watermelons more womanly… office workers will not be able to heat up last nights curry (this might result in proper work canteens).. Sterilisation of baby bottles in the home are much easier to do with a microwave…. Rustlers would go out of business.

Say no to the microwave… I wish I could.. but I’m lazy. Someone pass me that Red Rum lasagne.


Please check out the work of my 28DW friends at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium Both of whom thought that making a Jeremy Beadle joke at the end of this piece would be ill advised.