Hurry up and Weight

Greetings lads and lasses and welcome to my first blog post in an absolute age. Is this a new dawn, is this the start of more regular postings. Who knows!

Now is around about the time lots of you will be giving up your New Years resolutions, dry January or Veganuary. Popping corks and heating up those frying pans for a side of something dead and delicious. For those people, enjoy. You gave something new a try for a bit. Bravo.

Some of you are still going. The lure of your old ways not strong enough to pull you back. Some of you trying to lose that Christmas weight are still going to the gym or doing that latest and utterly pseudosciencey detox. Some of you will be unknowingly starving your body and losing weight because of it too. Because that is the goal isn’t it, weight loss the body beautiful and guant.

Well no not really.

Most of us could probably stand to lose a few pounds. I know as I veer towards 40 the only six pack I’m close to is the one in the fridge. The idea though should be I want to get healthy, not I want to lose weight. If you get healthy any excess weight will shed slowly and naturally it’s not actually a complicated premise. Eat right, exercise and hydrate and eventually things will slowly happen.

Heres the rub though. The eating right is hard. Exercise is hard. Hydration should be easy but even that takes more time than it should. A grande latte is better value and tasty, bottled water (because taps aren’t available most places on the go) is not.

Think of the time it took you to get out of shape. For some it was just over Christmas, for others it will be a lifetime’s work.

Why do you expect the healthy you to appear overnight?
Why bother putting time limits on things?

This change is to get healthy, not to lose weight. It’s not a diet. 30 days and then I can go to KFC and eat 20 buckets of chicken! Diets, fads and detoxes (not the rehab programs for substance abuse) encourage binge and purge behaviours and make you think about food the whole time. Experiment with me:-

Say “cheesecake” 20 times (if you don’t like cheesecake, replace with something you like)

Hands up who fancies cheesecake!

To anyone who wants to get healthy. Well done, me too! Steer clear of quick fix, pseudoscience and diets. Eat healthy have something you fancy once in a while (good for the mind) stay active and have a good hearty laugh at those saps inserting bananas where the sun don’t shine cos “Dr” Boz says it will be good for you.

New York's best... the cheeeeeese cake..

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Hurry up and Weight

A Pain in the But

I’m delighted that out of all the blog pieces you could have read (or looked at briefly in order to get fat picture of Kelly Brook) you chose to stop and read mine, but……

Isn’t “but” an awful word it can turn a compliment into something less than complimentary for example.

“You are a great guy.” Is fantastic on it’s own.
“You are a great guy.. but…” is terrible. Whatever comes after the “but” is not gonna be good, it’s like admitting you used the wrong word in “great” like you should have used OK but great was the first thing that popped into your head.

OK what if the sentence is “You had a hideous accident. But we found your penis.”

The “But” brings good news you might think, but no. It’s surrounded by bad news, you would rather never hear the sentence surely. “But” is a bringer of false hope a bastard word that says “You’ll have to endure this crap now, because something will be good later” Again you’d prefer to not have to wait and not hear “but”

“But” is also a “t” too short to be sexy ala “butt” same “t” is missing for the exciting ‘Glasgow Kiss’ head butt.

“But” reminds you of what you are missing. “Sure I could marry you but theres this other guy” or “This ice cream is yummy but I could have cream instead.”

It is in short a bitch of a word. So fuck but.

A Pain in the But

(28DW) Poem: Search Terms

I’m your friendly neighbourhood blogger,
And you’ve found me here,
Well done my friend welcome to the party,
Let me buy you a beer.

Did you type in your search term,
With the upmost care,
Or did you type one handed,
Or visit on a dare.

I know what you searched for,
You searched for this and that,
“Religious Bollocks” I understand,
I’m confused by “Kelly Brook fat”

A one off search for lardy Ms Brook,
Would be just a one time kink,
Numerous times a day?
Time for professional help I think.

By LG전자 (LG ‘옵티머스원’, 글로벌 200만대 돌파) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Kelly Brook.. not fat sorry

Please check out the work of my 28DW reprobates  at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium  or gnomes will die.

(28DW) Poem: Search Terms

You Fat Bastard

It’s the new year. Some people will have resolved to lose weight partly due to the fact that those extra Turkey sandwiches have given people guilt pangs. Channel 5 in the UK have come up with the masterstroke of showing “50 Shocking Facts About Diet and Exercise.” A tongue in cheek show showing lots of people are really guilable when it comes to how they treat their bodies. Now I’m naturally skinny, lucky me. But I will give you a secret to health. Its simple.

Eat in proportion to how active you are! If you are too fat, eat less become more active. We are simple creatures. All this calorie counting, Atkins, and Weight Watchers is all bollocks. The long term success rate of Weight Watchers is scandalous. As high as 2 in 1000. If you car only worked 2 in a thousand times you wouldn’t say it was a good car. Remember people Weight Watchers make money by keeping you at meetings, if you stop going and reach your target weight and stay there they lose your subs.

Fad diets are even worse. Atkins, G – Plan, no bread, whatever. Balance is the key. Too much or too little of anything is bad for you. Simple. Your body will tell you if you are feeling ok. Listen to it. Too many aches and pains, breathlessness after scratching your arse. Probably a sign you should do something, what you do is up to you. A bunch of crystal meth will take those pounds off but it will probably screw with your body in other ways ruining the balance!

Humans are a balanced species. We can do almost everything except fly. We can run, but not too fast. We can jump, but not too high. Cheetahs can run fast but they are crap Archers, nor can they tell any good jokes. Humans are the archetypal “Jack/Jill of all trades” some of us are tall some are short, some are fat. The fact is that many people we aspire to be are freaks. I mean freaks in the nicest possible way. Michael Phelps the record breaking American swimmer is freakishly good at swimming. His muscles are the optimum dimensions for swimming. Anyone trying to compete is already on to loser before they enter the pool. It is only age that has made things a little more competitive.

By Karen Blaha (Flickr profile) (Original webpage:[1] Website publisher: Flickr) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Freak…
Healthy is a myth. Another body image projected by the media. Personal wellbeing is something that should be promoted. But it can’t be packaged and sold, because it is different for different people. Some people carry weight in fat, others in muscle. Some people will be skinny and feel like shit, others will feel ok. Because we are balanced, anything to the extreme is bad.

Diet anything, programs, foods, drinks are all marketing ways to get people to part with their cash. If you want a Coke, drink a full fat coke. Enjoy it. It has less chemicals in it than Diet Coke. Just don’t drink loads of it. Balance, moderation. Simple

I’m off now to kill Special K advertisers. Happy New Year, eat enjoy be happy.

You Fat Bastard