Fitness

Hurry up and Weight

Greetings lads and lasses and welcome to my first blog post in an absolute age. Is this a new dawn, is this the start of more regular postings. Who knows!

Now is around about the time lots of you will be giving up your New Years resolutions, dry January or Veganuary. Popping corks and heating up those frying pans for a side of something dead and delicious. For those people, enjoy. You gave something new a try for a bit. Bravo.

Some of you are still going. The lure of your old ways not strong enough to pull you back. Some of you trying to lose that Christmas weight are still going to the gym or doing that latest and utterly pseudosciencey detox. Some of you will be unknowingly starving your body and losing weight because of it too. Because that is the goal isn’t it, weight loss the body beautiful and guant.

Well no not really.

Most of us could probably stand to lose a few pounds. I know as I veer towards 40 the only six pack I’m close to is the one in the fridge. The idea though should be I want to get healthy, not I want to lose weight. If you get healthy any excess weight will shed slowly and naturally it’s not actually a complicated premise. Eat right, exercise and hydrate and eventually things will slowly happen.

Heres the rub though. The eating right is hard. Exercise is hard. Hydration should be easy but even that takes more time than it should. A grande latte is better value and tasty, bottled water (because taps aren’t available most places on the go) is not.

Think of the time it took you to get out of shape. For some it was just over Christmas, for others it will be a lifetime’s work.

Why do you expect the healthy you to appear overnight?
Why bother putting time limits on things?

This change is to get healthy, not to lose weight. It’s not a diet. 30 days and then I can go to KFC and eat 20 buckets of chicken! Diets, fads and detoxes (not the rehab programs for substance abuse) encourage binge and purge behaviours and make you think about food the whole time. Experiment with me:-

Say “cheesecake” 20 times (if you don’t like cheesecake, replace with something you like)

Hands up who fancies cheesecake!

To anyone who wants to get healthy. Well done, me too! Steer clear of quick fix, pseudoscience and diets. Eat healthy have something you fancy once in a while (good for the mind) stay active and have a good hearty laugh at those saps inserting bananas where the sun don’t shine cos “Dr” Boz says it will be good for you.

New York's best... the cheeeeeese cake..

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Getting Physical

After a oh too short weekend vegetating on my sofa. (Oh Netflix how I love thee) I must admit I felt a pang of guilt for the lack of physical activity I was involved in. Don’t get me wrong I am far from a “Health nut” Jim Fixx I will never be but I do like to keep myself moving and raise the heart rate every now and again. I have written before of my physical disability (and here I am writing of it again) it helps my general mobility to be slim and generally fit, aside of course from the can’t walk unaided thing!

So an able bodied person of my mind set would be able to exercise, for free. Go for a jog, get those arms pumping get those knees up as high as your spandex shorts will allow. Shorts so tight that if you are male people can see what religion you are, shorts that in no other circumstances would you be seen dead in. But you are a runner so thats OK.

Jogging with crutches is a no go. I have three speeds, Stop, Go and Go Fast as Possible. There is very little holding back. Within 3 seconds I am a sweaty mess, at this time of year with all the slippery leaves on the ground within 5 seconds I am on the ground, with the aforementioned leaves having joined forces with the aforementioned crutches to create something so slippery that the KY jelly people will be jealous. So that’s jogging gone.

Walking of course is another option, and this is what I usually do. However I can’t go very far. If I do my feet and or my legs hurt for up to the next week. Meaning that for all my good intentions I now have to sit on my butt of the sofa. The leaf problem still exists of course at lower speeds however it is slightly easier to avoid.

Fucking, well it’s free. It’s exercise. I like it! One problem with that, it’s only free if you “love someone very much” Being Billy Single rules this option out too, more is the pity. Yes I could pay for it, however if I was going to do that I may as well join a gym and lower the risk of STD’s or Arrest. Additionally, there is an optimum duration that any physical activity has to take place for. I fear I am going to fall short of that goal.

So, if I had a little money to spend. I could go Swimming. Low impact on my joints, good general work out for all the body. All good. Except I hate it. Firstly I’m not a communal changing kinda guy never been a one for “all hanging out together” then when I’m all speedoed up (don’t worry I wouldn’t inflict that on the world, swim shorts!) there is the question of getting from the changing room to the pool. If I take my crutches I will have a better chance of getting there without falling down in the showers or even worse in that veruca ridden pube filled rinsing thing our local pool has.

OK so I’m at the waters edge. Having kept my footing, now what? My sticks don’t float, so they can’t wait at the corner of the pool. If I prop them up at the side, there is a good chance that some of the local scrote will A, Steal them or B, Hide them so that they can laugh at me looking for them. So I’m stuck. I suppose I could take a friend with me, who would then walk with me to the pool. If I did this it is less than dignified, and if my companion is female I’d have to get out of the changing room and through the trough of curly hairs by myself.

In short. Accessibility means slightly more than putting a ramp outside.