Short Story: The Concept of Food

“Look it’s quite simple.”
“So you keep saying lady.”
“Money is something we exchange for goods and services. So things like food.”
“I fully understand the concept of food.”
“That’s something I guess. But I need to go out to earn money to get that food.”
“Have you tried asking nicely for it? I mean money is just bits of paper. Why is it worth food?”
“The people who give me the food, in exchange can then use the money for other things?”
“What other things?”
“Well they might pay a mortgage or rent”
“So we can stay in a certain place and be safe we pay rent or buy it bit by bit”
“With money?”
Thinking.. silence.
“So you leave the house to earn money, to spend money on the house and everything here.”
“Can I earn money?”
“No, not really”
“You don’t have a bank account for a start..”
“A bank account?”
“Oh god I’ve gone down a wormhole here!”
“Worms, oh no!”
“Don’t worry about worms! Another thing that costs money”
“You pay the worms, but not me”
“No I pay to keep the worms away”
“But you still pay the damn worms!!”
“No I pay for medicine to keep the worms away”
“What is this I have not seen it”
“The lump in your cheese…”
“I spit out the lump and hide it. Joke is on you”
“Why you little….”
“You gonna throw the ball now or what?”
Claire picked up the ball.. “You ready?” He asked.
“Born ready Claire.. c’mon. But first one question..”
“All the things you exchange money paper for..”
“Have you just tried peeing on them? Works really well. I do it with all my things. Squeaky Frog, Trees, that ball you are holding…”

Pekoe, ready to play fetch.“Pekoe, ready to play fetch.” by notamaiar is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0


Would you take your child to an Orgy?

Probably not right? Why not? I mean you discovered the feel good endorphins from your very first one twenty years ago and your friends will be impressed that you have shown little Johnny a healthy option. He needs to know that just like you everything is better in a group of at least 5. Everything is amazing, little Johnny will feel the same self esteem boost you do when you step into your latex thong, meeting strange people, boosting his confidence well at least until Big Shaun gets here but then no-one feels too confident next to him, but it’s a life lesson.

But you wouldn’t. And people don’t. Because it is entirely inappropriate for a child to attend such a thing, because the child cannot possibly comprehend what is going on or even made the choice to attend such an event. Yet you, a parent, have a whale of a time and are happy and healthy because of it. This is because you, made the journey to the destination, you made the choices along the way, discovered new details with your peers, lived the values, extolled the virtues and decided to enter the foam room with Big Shaun.

As parents we have a great deal of influence over our children’s lives. They join our lives after a set of choices have been made or reactions to circumstances have been hoisted upon us. If you are a hippie or a media mogul and you have a child you don’t stop being these things. If you are religious or a football fan these things about you don’t change the second you hold your shitting screaming bundle of joy.

As such your child will share experiences and begin to share some belief systems with you. In the interest of balance however and sometimes health it is important to introduce alternative viewpoints than your own. This will help your offspring on their journey and encourage them to make reasoned choices rather than following the crowd.

I read today that a Italian politician is proposing to make it illegal for parents to give their child a vegan diet. Should this be illegal, no. Does it raise a valid point? Yes.

Like it or not a vegan lifestyle is a choice. A choice at which adult vegans have arrived at, they have been on the journey and decided that veganism is the best route for them. Fair play. Should vegan parents feed their child exclusively vegan food before that child has had an opportunity to discover and assess the reasons behind the ethics? Surely that’s missing the point. (The need for vitamin supplements aside. Oh and yes I know vitamins and minerals can all be provided via plant based, but have you ever tried to make a child eat a whole plate of anything everyday.. to achieve this in plant based you need quantity, kids don’t eat quantity you will need to supplement)

Same applies for religious families, or football fans. Half the passion of a belief is in the journey of arriving there yourself. If it is hoisted upon you with no option you will always wonder “What if I supported Swindon…”and your belief will never be as strong because it simply isn’t your belief.

Your life is yours, your childs life is their own. Give your child the tools to make good choices.

Hurry up and Weight

Greetings lads and lasses and welcome to my first blog post in an absolute age. Is this a new dawn, is this the start of more regular postings. Who knows!

Now is around about the time lots of you will be giving up your New Years resolutions, dry January or Veganuary. Popping corks and heating up those frying pans for a side of something dead and delicious. For those people, enjoy. You gave something new a try for a bit. Bravo.

Some of you are still going. The lure of your old ways not strong enough to pull you back. Some of you trying to lose that Christmas weight are still going to the gym or doing that latest and utterly pseudosciencey detox. Some of you will be unknowingly starving your body and losing weight because of it too. Because that is the goal isn’t it, weight loss the body beautiful and guant.

Well no not really.

Most of us could probably stand to lose a few pounds. I know as I veer towards 40 the only six pack I’m close to is the one in the fridge. The idea though should be I want to get healthy, not I want to lose weight. If you get healthy any excess weight will shed slowly and naturally it’s not actually a complicated premise. Eat right, exercise and hydrate and eventually things will slowly happen.

Heres the rub though. The eating right is hard. Exercise is hard. Hydration should be easy but even that takes more time than it should. A grande latte is better value and tasty, bottled water (because taps aren’t available most places on the go) is not.

Think of the time it took you to get out of shape. For some it was just over Christmas, for others it will be a lifetime’s work.

Why do you expect the healthy you to appear overnight?
Why bother putting time limits on things?

This change is to get healthy, not to lose weight. It’s not a diet. 30 days and then I can go to KFC and eat 20 buckets of chicken! Diets, fads and detoxes (not the rehab programs for substance abuse) encourage binge and purge behaviours and make you think about food the whole time. Experiment with me:-

Say “cheesecake” 20 times (if you don’t like cheesecake, replace with something you like)

Hands up who fancies cheesecake!

To anyone who wants to get healthy. Well done, me too! Steer clear of quick fix, pseudoscience and diets. Eat healthy have something you fancy once in a while (good for the mind) stay active and have a good hearty laugh at those saps inserting bananas where the sun don’t shine cos “Dr” Boz says it will be good for you.

New York's best... the cheeeeeese cake..

(28DW) Undo: Microwave Oven

Never used the daily prompt for motivation before, so I thought I’d give it a go. Just this once. I’ll bring you my own brand of bollocks tomorrow. The daily prompt that caught my eye was Undo. If you could un-invent something, what would it be? Discuss why, potential repercussions, or a possible alternative.

If I could un-invent something it would be the microwave. Why? Well because as Steve Jobs once said about the netbook “it’s not any good” when it was first introduced it was hailed as the cooking device of the future. But all it is used for now is to reheat things and cook the odd jacket potato. Badly.

Photo Christian Rasmussen

If the microwave had not been invented it would have encouraged people to look for something else that is better, something that produces nicely cooked food. Ready meals would exist in the society we live in today but they would be optimised for oven cooking, producing much better results.

The microwave oven has had a huge social impact on the family unit. Before the radioactive turntable was introduced into the kitchen there was a definite “dinner time” the family would gather around the table and argue, whereas now because they can all eat or reheat whenever they choose your average family is now forced to argue via text or twitter. Face to face family communication in all seriousness is something we are all lacking in the modern world.

If the microwave ceased to be, it would encourage millions of people to learn to cook, proper food, me included. Because beans on toast gets boring very quickly. Up-skilling millions of the worlds population, a kind of X-Factor audition for the next Gordon Ramsey but in your own kitchen and not televised, thank fuck.

It would save the economy because the pre-packed microwave convenience food is either quite expensive or dirt cheap and full of horse. It would encourage people to buy local fresh produce, bringing the cost of this down, because more would be harvested. The health benefits would be immense because the salt content of microwave foods are very high, also the physical activity of preparing food for 20 mins a day should not be underestimated.

Downsides I suppose are, horny teenage boys will have no place to make their watermelons more womanly… office workers will not be able to heat up last nights curry (this might result in proper work canteens).. Sterilisation of baby bottles in the home are much easier to do with a microwave…. Rustlers would go out of business.

Say no to the microwave… I wish I could.. but I’m lazy. Someone pass me that Red Rum lasagne.

Please check out the work of my 28DW friends at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium Both of whom thought that making a Jeremy Beadle joke at the end of this piece would be ill advised.