Friday Fiction: Noah

“Ladies and Gentleman, all your thoughts on the matter are of course appreciated, but we still haven’t talked about the elephant in the room…”
The members of the gathered associated press laughed as flash blubs illuminated the stage.

“Two elephants surely.” One of them called out, to further guffaws.

“Why yes dear boy. Two of everything.” Noah replied, holding aloft two fat fingers, causing more flash bulbs to splash light in his direction “Any further questions?”

“Noah, Bill Malcolm New York Times, How do you plan on stopping the animals from eating each other?”

“I’ve spoken to them of course” Noah replied with a twinkle in his eye. “No in all seriousness the Ark is the most sophisticated thing the human race has ever built, the holding pens for all the animals are state of the art as you’ll see from the booklet we have provided.”

“Did you build the Ark yourself?” a voice called out.

“No it’s 2015 and I’m no boat builder. No, better to think of me as the project lead.”

“It is true you had issues with finance for the project?” said another.

“Every start up has difficulty keeping afloat.” Noah smiled through the groans from the crowd this comment caused, a man very much in his element. “But Coca-Cola, McDonalds and Addias all have been very happy to be involved with the project and they have given us the capital to quite literally save the world.”

“What do you say to all the people who say this is just a publicity stunt from you and those sponsors? An ego trip or an attempt to ‘Break the internet’ if you will”

“The reality is,” Noah replied gazing towards the window to his left and beyond to a clear blue sky “that without the internet and social media, the sponsors or indeed you, the members of the press wouldn’t be here and the Ark wouldn’t have been built. This is not about me, it’s about the boat and the animals.”

“What do you say to Greenpeace and the millions of animal charities throughout the world who doubt your claims and level charges of animal cruelty?”

“I would say it’s far crueller to let all the animals drown. Again they are welcome to look around the Ark to see the wonderful facilities we have, an improvement for many animals over their natural habitats.” Noah said with a steely look in his eye.

“You say a voice from the sky told you to build this ‘Ark’ despite it being the driest year since records began. Do you understand that people may doubt your claims?”

“Of course, I doubted myself. I am a man with an open mind, but even I worried I was going nuts. The voice spoke to me a number of times and was pretty convincing. I have attempted to warn the world best I can, there are always gonna be people who doubt you”

“What if you are wrong?”

And then the rain began to fall.

Noahs Ark Animal3


People are Bollocks. Get Over It.

Getting through life is difficult god knows! At least he would if he were real. There they are my cards upon the table. Some of you may disagree with me. Thats good, I mean if we all had the same views it would be a boring world. I’m a reasonable guy as I have stated before on these very pages whatever helps you through the days on this spinning orb is fine by me.

Besides all of the religions mention good stuff, good rules to live by. Not killing, accepting others, helping ones fellow man. Hell if it wasn’t such a bad idea I’d become religious myself. But as with all good intentions and good rules there always someone around to manipulate the situation and it isn’t me a rational atheist. The people who play the idea of God to their own ends are believers and have been since the very start of religion. Kings and Queens, Presidents, Bishops even the everyday church goer can from time to time use religion to control others.

So these good rules suddenly become reasons to kill, persecute and discriminate against those who’s life is different from our own. If it is “God’s Will” it’s ok. As an atheist I think this is pretty unfair on God I mean massacres have been blamed on God, where in reality it was of course a man acting upon his own free will. It’s not just murders that poor old God get blamed for, Football team lost, well he’s on the other teams side, Black, White, Yellow, Gay.. God at any point at any given day hates everyone of every colour creed and background.

In some cases God even advertises his hatred, on buses no less. The advert from religious groups Core Issues Trust and Anglican Mainstream states: “Not gay! Ex-gay, post-gay and proud. Get over it!” There goes God gay bashing, surprising that because if God created everyone, he must have made the gay ones too. These moron’s from the Core Issues Trust and Anglican Mainstream believe however that being Gay is an affliction something that can be cured. They have been stuffing people back in the closet for a long time now. But it’s God’s work so thats ok.

Thankfully Tfl have decided not to plaster this ridiculous parody of stonewalls “Some People are Gay Get Over It” all over their Buses. I hope they would make the same decision for say a “Don’t Trust Whitey” campaign or a “All disabled men are rapists” slogan. People will always find a reason to hate other people, we are pack animals, but it makes us feel warm inside if we blame something else.

A friend of mine was once offered a religious leaflet at a festival. He turned them down saying “No thanks, religion is bollocks.” Actually he was wrong.

Religion is OK. People are bollocks.