Private Dancer

Before the advent of the “megapixel” camera when you had to wait 3 weeks for photos that the processing lab stuck little labels over. Before Flickr, Photobucket and Photostream two ways to share photo’s were. The Photo Album or the Slide Show. The only way to express a “like” in such arenas was to open your mouth and say “I like that one.” Voice activated before the X-Box was a twinkle in Windows 3.1’s eye.

Now we publish online. I am writing this piece to be published online, making it accessible to everyone with some type of internet connection. I publish other things too, I have a Gmail account, iCloud, Dropbox, Box.net, Yahoo. I am as online as you can be without involving Satan’s spawn itself Facebook.

Government spies enlisting the assistance of all tech’s major players has hit the news recently. It’s caused what can only be described as a kafuffle. All emails, blogs, pictures of your kids, pictures of the things you used to get those kids are apparently fair game for Mr FBI without your consent or knowledge .

Consent is a funny thing, Every email account, website or photo sharing service you sign up for has terms and conditions. Terms and Conditions that no-one ever reads. So chances are a high percentage of people (myself included) have consented to great deal of things we are unaware of. Granted letting the Government or anyone else look at your stuff probably wasn’t on the list.

Knowledge. You won’t know that anyone has looked at anything you put online. But you must be aware that they might. Even if you just look at human curiosity. If you worked at Flickr and saw a user account from MassiveNorks69, it’s only natural to want to take a sneaky peak. Google and the rest use your email to target advertising or have in the past.

The only way to keep your data safe from prying eyes. Don’t go online. Don’t phone anyone either. Don’t have a bank account, buy everything with cash. Not really practical. So what can we do?

Nothing. The old adage of if you have done nothing wrong you will have nothing to hide applies. I am not one of the tin foil hat brigade, but I’m not stupid enough to assume big companies and governments will respect the sanctity on my online life. That is the price we pay for the convenience of “Likes” “Re-tweets” and “Followers” So Hi there Mr FBI Man…. (I thought they were all shaped like that)

Private Dancer

(28DW) A Bit of Hows Your Father

You have to pity the guys and gals after a bit of extra marital sex this day and age. Back in the day it was simple, just meet someone who takes your fancy, remove the wedding ring. Few drinks later and you are booked into the nearest travel lodge under the name Mr & Mrs Smith making the beast with two backs.

By أشرف العناني [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
A solid relationship.. solid.. it’s stone you see.. geddit..
All you gotta do is make sure you don’t bump into anyone who knows you or hubby / the missus. Yes morally wrong, but lets not get into that here. Most people eventually got caught, a receipt for a fancy meal left in a jacket pocket or the old lipstick on the collar. But that was when people got careless, a little bit of planning and both members of a marriage could happily screw whomever they wanted for years without the other person finding out. It worked very well for some.

Now on the other hand, with Facebook and Twitter everyone knows everything. How many Facebook statuses have been “At the movies..” House nice and empty to rob then. Or of course for your partner to get their lover round, but careful now those illicit “booty call” texts/BBM’s/iMessages can so easily go astray, sending details of your adventures in fishnets to the whole of your contact list. Better start thinking up “midnight fishing trip” stories for your boss and that investor in Singapore.

But at least you can turn off location services. No-one need know where you and your visiting Canadian concubine or Russian Rutbuddy are shacked up. Safe and warm in each others arms.

Step forward Google.

Yes everyone’s favourite, not at all evil, multi national tech giant has played a part in ending a cheats relationship with his fiancé. Yes the russian equivalent of Google Maps, Yandex, caught the unlucky chap in the arms of another woman, and now his betrothed has chosen to call the whole thing off.

Lucky escape some may say. But it does highlight a greater issue. Soon we will no longer be able to surprise anyone. In a good way. Buy that diamond ring for your girl or PS4 for your boy, they will have seen you on your personal surveillance tape. Yes we have ease of navigation and personal safety, but I tell you something Birthdays and Christmases are gonna suck.


Please check out the work of my 28DW friends at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium Neither of whom appear naked on Google Maps

(28DW) A Bit of Hows Your Father

(28DW) Poem: Search Terms

I’m your friendly neighbourhood blogger,
And you’ve found me here,
Well done my friend welcome to the party,
Let me buy you a beer.

Did you type in your search term,
With the upmost care,
Or did you type one handed,
Or visit on a dare.

I know what you searched for,
You searched for this and that,
“Religious Bollocks” I understand,
I’m confused by “Kelly Brook fat”

A one off search for lardy Ms Brook,
Would be just a one time kink,
Numerous times a day?
Time for professional help I think.

By LG전자 (LG ‘옵티머스원’, 글로벌 200만대 돌파) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Kelly Brook.. not fat sorry

Please check out the work of my 28DW reprobates  at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium  or gnomes will die.

(28DW) Poem: Search Terms

(BDYBIS) iOS 6 First Impressions

After saying I’ve learnt from previous experiences downloading operating system updates on release days, I am ashamed to admit that my phone has iOS 6 and my Mac upon which I am typing this has a spangly new install of Mountain Lion 10.8.2. What can I say, I had some time to kill.

Time I needed because it took well over an hour to download iOS 6. I think this is because of the “world and his wife” effect, though it could be my connection as a friend of mine did his at the same time and it downloaded in two minutes, and his connection is usually ropey (bastard) I wasn’t brave enough to download the update on the phone itself, so it was old school dock cable and iTunes all the way for me.

Aside from the time taken all went swimmingly, I had to remind myself to be patient and not start unplugging things before it had completed. I backed up everything (iOS & Mac) before hand. Just in case.

So it’s there… is it different? Is it good?

Well its a little mish-mash to be honest, which is not something I expect from Apple. There are some well implemented features such as “Do not Disturb” which lets you set a time where your phone won’t tell you if someone has liked your Facebook status or if they are calling you if you don’t want. Set the times and you are good to go and sleep, punch the spaniard or do whatever else it is you do.

Maps on the other hand appears to be a dogs breakfast. No I’m not complaining because I can’t get turn by turn on my iPhone 4. I knew that. It looks awful, taking ages to render map tiles (in hybrid view) even on wi-fi, yes I am aware my iPhone in phone terms is looking decidedly like a middle aged man trying to hide a bald spot and flirt with a 18 year old nympho named Mindy, but still. Thats not even the worst of it. A search for Manchester United Football Club points you to Sale United’s ground and according to this BBC News piece, whole villages have moved.

Who wants to go to Old Trafford anyway?

The Man Utd thing is a little unfair perhaps because if you search Manchester United FC you get Old Trafford so worry not loyal Man Utd season ticket holders your iPhone/iPad will get you from Surrey to the theatre of dreams… when you have done with the Madejski Stadium it will also get you to Old Trafford. However you would expect a search for Football Club and “FC” to come up with the same things. Whole villages moving, not acceptable.

I currently am not impressed with the new App Store. I think (or hope) this might be a familiarity thing. At the moment it feels like they designed it for the iPad and then thought “Oh shit iPhone… doi” To me it feels like you have to slide around just a little too far, on a bigger screen maybe one just slightly taller this would be…. oh Apple.. I see what you did there. You want people to get iPhone 5 so everything is designed for iPhone 5. Gotya. However I haven’t had to sign in with my Apple ID to download app updates yet, which is less hassle, but less secure. Hmm.

I like being able to tweet direct from the notification screen. I like being able to send people a message if they are ringing me and I can’t answer, in just two taps. iMessage under iOS 6 plays very nicely with Mountain Lion now, with all contact methods (emails, apple id, phone numbers) being lumped in together to provide one conversation chain from device to device. iPhone 4 is not compatible with any of the siri improvements or the panoramic photo modes so I can’t comment.

This is a free upgrade, and provides many new features some of which I haven’t used yet, some I’ll never use. The maps app is the one that will hit the headlines and be one for the Android Army to use in their “iPhone sucks” arguments. I am confident that Maps issues will be resolved, but for a showcase launch of a new app on a new OS it should have been so much better.

(BDYBIS) iOS 6 First Impressions