Interviews

Poem: Gravy Train (Bitter)

Am I me, the me with the tie.
Or are we four conspirators in one big lie,
Dressed in fresh suit,
Beard neatly trimmed,
The hour of judgement about to begin,
Hypothetical scenarios,
For which I have incorrect answers,
From across the desk shoots judgemental glances,
“If black was white and the sky was the sea”,
“But it’s not” Say I. “same as you are you, and not me.”
“But if this was that and that was this..”
There, right there, is the point I missed.

If all your questions are not as they seem,
All this pantomime may well be a dream,
Don’t judge me from that side of the table,
I am a person, not a label,
I’m not playing the game anymore,
With people who don’t acknowledge the score,
Corporate world, built on a game,
Let me off the of gravy train.

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Interviews

“I’ll help you, I’ve had lots of interviews”

An acquaintance at work trying to be helpful, after finding out I have a job interview on Friday. Strange thing though really. Because on the face of it, advice from someone who is well practised at a certain thing has to be good if you are preparing for the same thing. But is that the case with someone who has had a load of interviews?

This of course means one of two things.

1. You are excellent at interviews, but rubbish at the actual job and therefore move around a lot.
Given that this offer of help came from someone at work this could be the true meaning. But it’s more likely to be option 2
2. You are really bad at interviews. Falling at the final hurdle on a regular basis.

This is not a criticism, I myself fall into option 2. Interviews are hard, kinda like a corporate speed date, where you are trying to impress three or maybe four suitors all at once in different ways. However in a marked difference from speed dating, the people sat opposite you are often looking for a carbon copy of their ex. Someone with the same abilities, same traits, same looks and when you look like me, unless I’m following Jesus or Russell Brand chances are I’m not going to get the job.

My Mum always says to me “Are you going to do your hair?” well I’m not going to make sure it is styled so that it looks like I have been pulled through a hedge but this is another thing that gets me about Interviews. Everyone dresses up, plays the game. We all know how to dress up, even scum of the earth who commit so many crimes they know the first names of court clerks. You can see them sat in their best whistle pleading not guilty. So whilst we are playing dress up, why don’t we pretend too? Pretend that I am in my best shirt, with a tie that cuts off circulation to my head, I in turn will pretend that you are pretty and that you don’t spit when you talk.

Interviews are these days it would seem nothing to do with the job you are applying for. Instead opting for a strained (on both sides) conversation complying to a “model” often asking you to display that you are a good team player by using the word “I” numerous times. Because no-one in your team did anything it was all you. If it wasn’t, no job for you sunshine. We don’t want your teamwork here, we want you to go all John McClane in Die Hard.

So onward and upwards, a man stepping up to the plate. Painting on a smile, crossing fingers and toes and hopefully not tongue.. yippee kai yay motherfucker indeed.

And If this piece on interviews was not enough to give me the job, please check out this piece by Miss Four Eyes who blogs much better than I, she also does it naked too.