iPhone 5

(BDYBIS) Leaks

The following was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend over the recent iPhone 5 launch.

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Picture the scene. You are 8 years old, it’s Christmas. You are sure the fat man has fallen down the chimney with a sack bursting to the brim with toys. You wrote stuff on your list but you are not sure what you are going to unwrap.

Your Mickey Mouse clock next to your bed reads 4:55am, you have been up since 4 but now you sneek into your parents room (hoping Dad has put on PJ’s) to wake them from their slumber so you can get into those parcels and know. Know once and for all what has been bestowed by the powers that be. Were you naughty or nice? Who knows. Your parents roll over in a half asleep flatulant state. Too excited you tip-toe down the stairs for a sneak peek, at least you will be able to see how many gifts you got compared to your sister.

There sat under the illuminated Christmas tree is your 6 year old sister, cradling a Nintendo Entertainment System in her hands. Your Nintendo Entertainment System. Thats it. The excitement of the main present is gone, sure you can open the Chocolate Orange and the pencil sharpener but the pleasure of seeing that black box with Mario on the side being revealed slowly as you can bare from under the silver paper has been robbed from you.

By Matthew Paul Argall (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I don’t like surprises, now as an adult. Not that I did when I was younger, I always hid when Noels House Party did “NTV” just in case the cameras were in my house. I do like anticipation. I like to know that something is happening, possibly when and where, but I don’t want to know everything straight out. It’s like getting that girl you have been lusting after for years back to your place, only for her to get naked whilst you were cleaning your teeth. You can see her in all her glory but the thrill of not knowing is gone, enjoying the moment of gradually exploring….. Urhm sorry where was I.

I wrote yesterday about the iPhone 5 launch. I said that everything I’ve read about the iPhone 5 was pretty much true, even down to the form factor and the EarPods. I’m pretty sure Apple “leak” information about upcoming products as does every tech firm. But now it’s getting ridiculous. The reveal has gone. OK sure I could avoid the news, like a football fan who has recorded highlights, but I have a Mac to maintain and update. Besides I like Ken Ray (Ba De Yah) and when do I start avoiding. The iPhone 5 started a day after the iPhone 4s had been released.

Years past. No-one knew. There were rumours but no-one really knew. It was a simpler time, it was a better time…

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(BDYBIS) Hello iPhone 5 or How to eat a MacBook

OK OK I was wrong. I said for a long time that Apple wouldn’t call the next iPhone the iPhone 5. I even said here I’d eat my MacBook if they did. Well I’ve emailed Gordon Ramsey for a recipe and when he gets back to me I’ll chow down.

Well the iPhone 5 it is. Most of the rumours I’ve read about this new smart phone turned out to be true. It’s taller, you can watch 16:9 movies/tv without having to stretch stuff (well your arm maybe, if you wanna reach a beer or scratch your balls.. there is probably an app for that) Being taller it also means you get an extra row on every page of your home screen for your apps and folders. Good news if like me, you are an App whore.

It’s not wider. Thank Steve for that. No really thank Steve Jobs for that, iPhone 5 was the last Apple project he had any input into and he always wanted a phone you could operate easily with one hand. Presumably to free the other one for ball scratching. In practice this is superb, all the galaxy 3 people must have pockets the size of the lady garden of Katie Price. I would also love to see stats on how many times people drop their phones. The Galaxy is just too big. It is not so much sat in your hand, but lodged precariously like a jumper on a railway platform.

The beloved 30 pin dock cable is no more. Well kind of, Apple have redesigned the dock cable to produce Lightening. (No not the blonde one from Gladiators, you know the one who would have kept you busy if someone else was with Jet.) No lightening is a sister cable to Thunderbolt the cable used to connect Macs with displays and other fun stuff. So Thunderbolt and Lightning, not very frightening, because Apple have an adapter which will make Lightning play nice with all forty of those old dock cables you have lying around.

Jet… Not Lightning

The processing power of this thing is immense. They demoed Real Racing 3 at the Keynote (which you can watch here) It’s a racing game with amazing graphics, which coming from an 8 bit generation as I do, I still can’t believe are being produced by a phone.

Everything appears to be improved or honed. Including Battery life (although real world useage hmm) But here are a few things I didn’t like about the keynote itself-

Facebook:
In iOS 6 (which is released on 19th September) Facebook is baked in, I have a Facebook account. But I hate it, I want to break away from it, how can I do that if my phone has it baked in. The ability to “like” things in the new iOS 6 app store grates too.

Shared Photostream:
Why don’t I like this. Well it’s more social buttfuckery. You can like and comment on photos in shared Photostreams. Whatever did we do before we could just click “like”.

“It’s 7.6mm Thin”:
Something, dear Apple is not 7.6mm thin. It’s 7.6mm thick. I know it’s not very thick but come on.

Foo Fighters:
Now I like the Foo Fighters. I’ve caught their live shows on TV and they seem to produce lots of energy and atmosphere. They closed the keynote. With the very talented Dave Grohl phoning in a performance.

Ear Pods:
I liked the iPad name. Even though some said it sounded more “Always” than Apple. But EarPods, really. It looks like a load of work has gone into replacing the headphones, you know the white ones that entertained a whole train carriage with tinny distorted Britney Spears. The keynote showed how Apple had developed an ear fetish, and the EarPods look good, do they sound good. Time will tell. Just hate the name.

Enough with the hate. A new version of iTunes was mentioned and demoed too. Looks good. Will write something on that when it’s released to the great unwashed.

In short (678 words!) iPhone 5, not much has changed, except everything. Do I want one? You bet my MacBook Risotto I do.