“You do have knees, right?”

“It’s hard to have a relationship in this business…it’s gonna take a very special woman…or a bunch of average ones.”

~Bill Hicks

Wow a surprise me starting a piece with a Bill Hicks quote. This is very true when disability is involved too. So to paraphrase.

“It’s hard to have a relationship if you have a disability…it’s gonna take a very special woman…or a bunch of average ones.”

Now in my experience the bunch of average ones don’t wanna know, or mores the point I don’t wanna know them. I know it’s never going to end well and I have never been one for the one night knee trembler, I’d fall down.

So that leaves it to the “very special woman” Now very special women are hard to find, I have had a few in my life and screwed things up with them royally. I am proof that disabled men are still men and as much as Channel 4 still try to paint us as Superhuman, we are prone to the same mistakes as the more able. We can be bastards at times.

One day however fuck ups aside, that special woman may come along. You know the one with low standards and no sense of smell. Hopefully you all live happily ever after in a castle with a access ramp. But in any relationship there are things that are negatives, things that you know make you less than her idea of perfection. Now in a “non disabled” relationship these issues can stay hidden for years, or at least swept under the carpet, suppressed and turned into a aneurysm.

The crutches or the wheelchair or the twitch or however a disability rears it’s head makes sure that for the disabled person these issues are in the forefront and must be discussed slap bang in the middle of the “look at me aren’t I great, I’m trying to impress you” phase. The last thing you want to do.

Two choices of course.
Lie: “I was in a accident/plane crash/Black Friday PS4 scrap”
This is good and if you do it well enough it could ensure that Mr Happy gets to play. Bad side of this is that if she is that special lady, what are you gonna do when your accident injuries don’t get better.

Truth: This could result in lots of talking, some stupid questions “You do have knees right?” it could also result in ridicule, turning your special woman into a heartless harlot in a few seconds. But if this happens you know that she wasn’t the one for you in the first place.

I read somewhere that 75% of people would not consider sex with a disabled person. I would count myself in that bracket it’s difficult enough when one of you can’t balance to manage a 64 let alone a 69. But the odds are stacked against you, especially when you consider the normal criteria and preferences.

In short. Disability one of the best cockblocks known to man
If you find anyone willing to jump that and then jump you cherish them, because they are a very special person indeed.

Sex-dolls
Some of the average ones
“You do have knees, right?”

Hairy Japanese Bastards

The title of this piece of course comes as direct quote of philosophical mastermind Father Jack Hackett. So yes this piece is about Rabbits (not rampant ones, not the ones the require batteries anyway.)

The Scottish isle of Canna. Home to all of 12 humans. (According to BBC Radio 4, Wikipedia says 6. Maybe they all stood in one line and managed to rotate so they were counted twice) 12 people living on a small heritage site measuring one mile wide and four miles across. Home to a rich tapestry of wildlife with many different types of bird and a few thousand rabbits.

Isle of Canna Panorama 2

You see these rabbits have been doing what rabbits do best. Making the beast with two backs, hiding the salami, Flora Wrestling, bow-chica-wow-wow. Yes without the aid of viagra these long eared, powder puff tailed critters have been having it away more often than Jimmy Saville on a charity run. Why has this suddenly become a problem?

Well rabbits like to chew things. They like to crap as well. Unfortunately chewing and crapping does nothing for archaeological digs and artefacts. (That why they didn’t invite Tony Robinson back for another series of Time Team. Maybe..) There have also been landslides that Stevie Nicks wrote about. Ms Nicks was unaware rabbits had anything to do with it.

So what to do?

Well they are going to kill the rabbits. Now usually I’m far for an eco warrior type. I like cars with big engines, I think a punch in the face is a reasonable way to greet anyone who drives a Prius and I love to eat almost all meat. I have had a rabbit as a pet though so I don’t think I could eat one. However this is not the reason I am writing this piece.

The rabbit population has grown on the island for a number of reasons, the biggest reason is the rabbits are no longer under threat of being eaten by rats that used to live on Canna. Did the rats find a nice room on Secret Escapes? Do they share my obsession with Camilla Arfwedson that they too could be sold anything by her? Are they sat watching Holby City?

No. (Surprising huh)

No the rats got killed in 2006. They were eating small mice and bird eggs (How dare they?)

So I’ll skip to my point. You learn about the food chain at school and it’s role in ecosystems. Every action has a reaction. I understand the need to manage breeding and populations of wildlife, particularly on such a small island like Canna. However a primary school child could tell you if you remove all of one type of animal it’s not going to work out well. So why they are looking to repeat the same mistake again is a mystery to me.

Maybe the 12 humans should move out. Let nature sort itself out as it has done for thousands of years.

Hairy Japanese Bastards

Sex On Wheels (Channel 4)

Sex, now here’s a post that will get me lots of hits. (Hello disappointed people looking for porn.) It’s a very powerful thing. Everyone likes it anyone who disagrees with that is lying. It’s a base urge, we must procreate otherwise humanity will die out, we were built to like it. Although where liking dressing up as an Adult Baby comes in to saving humanity I’m not quite sure. But each to their own.

Sex is a surefire ratings winner for TV. Fictional Sex, “Sex and the City”, “Girls” and “Californication” all have strong sexual content and all are ratings winners. Reality sex also sells, “The Sex Clinic”, “The Joy of Teen Sex”, and “The Sex Inspectors” to name but a few. Step forward (or rather roll forward) “Sex on Wheels” a documentary point and laugher that aired yesterday on Channel 4 in the UK. This followed the sex lives (or lack of them in some cases) of a few disabled people.

Disabled people like to fuck too. Wow who knew!

Sex Dice

All of the people featured I have no doubt are real people living independent lives. It is difficult to comment on the show without judging them. It would be interesting to see their real responses to the show now it has been shown, if they feel the edit portrayed them in a favourable light.

As with all “documentaries” it would seem these days there is no room for subtlety. People going about their lives telling their real stories. Therefore it would seem Channel 4 (edit aside) chose their participants for this documentary in the same way they would choose housemates for Big Brother. So with a sweeping a few sweeping generalisations we have our cast:-

  • The Nympho: Sexually active and adventurous but, she says wants to “settle down”. She has a nice rack and is only in her early twenties and someone settling down makes boring TV so she will be shown constantly flirting.
  • Reformed Jack the Lad: Alpha Male. Spends all of the time talking about his penis, until the spiritual sex therapy (Sham Science) lets him find himself.
  • You are a Wannabe and everyone is laughing at you: Wants to be a porn star because he “likes sex” Gets to visit a porn set like a little boy who wrote in to Jim’ll Fix It “Dear Nonce, Please can you fix it for me…”
  • The peoples Champion: For every panto villain there needs to be a hero. A good guy, a guy which we are all routing for. He is depicted as the most Normal of the ensemble, hell he even loves his mum and takes good care of animals. What a nice guy.

Remember this is not what I feel the people are actually like. Just how I feel how they were depicted. I haven’t mentioned their disabilities at this point because they are largely irrelevant. All of them are in wheelchairs bar the peoples champion (because he’s gotta look normal kids), Jack the Lad because of accident which has limited his sex life, the others are all disabled from birth.

This was a chance for the world to see how disabled people fuck or try to fuck. Disabled people in general are not viewed in a sexual way, so depicting them as sexually active showing a “healthy” level of desire would in itself made for a eye opening documentary for most people. However the editorial decision to show extremes, like the injured guy masturbating trying to gain an erection (yes really) and to allow the patronising treatment of the Wannabe Pornstar by everyone only serves to give something else for people to laugh at. If you don’t believe me search twitter for #sexonwheels.

Sex On Wheels (Channel 4)

(28DW) Snooze!

I really should get up.

A thought that often crosses my mind. You see I write this from my bed, it’s a double and very comfy. It’s seen less action than a whole convent of nuns. (Sisters I’m open to offers… I’ll save you… I kinda look like Jesus) My bed is warm and even though my mouth is dry and I need to pee I have the compulsion to stay here until the very last possible second. It’s 11am, Saturday by the way so it’s not like I’m stupid late for work.

Workdays are even worse. I have 3 alarms with at least two hours where I know I can hit snooze. I still leave it to the last possible second. I have responsibilities I’m a adult, I should know better. I should be up preparing breakfast, doing yoga or as one of my colleagues does actually checking work emails. Three words… Get A Life.

I’m lazy but it’s not my fault. I blame snooze.

Which mental case invented that button? It’s more tempting to push than any button that says “Don’t Push” in fact I think it’s the one thing that unites the people of the world. From Nun.. (Call me yeah) to Whore.. From politician to pimp (sorry they are supposed to be contrasting things aren’t they) everyone has pressed snooze. Yes I know there are people without alarm clocks. But I also know they would find the snooze too difficult to leave alone was it present in their homes.

Don't press it..
Don’t press it..

It’s the “drug pusher” of buttons. There on your bedside saying “go on just a few more minutes, you’ve earned it, you are a special guy” in your hazy lazy state you believe ol snooze and lay there. There are some people who are full of pep in the morning. I want to kill them all!! I believe these people are recovering snooze addicts. They pressed so much it made their noses bleed. (Because they ran into a door whilst rushing to work, late cos of too much snooze) These folks have to be full of the joys of morning because they live in fear that snooze will return for them.

Well at nearly midday guilt now fills me. I must escape the warm snooze enabled clutches of my slumber pit. Guilt my arse… I just want a cup of tea before I go to football. Maybe a few more minutes…


Please check out the work of my 28DW friends at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium Who both featured in a News of the World “Snooze” exposé some time in the mid 90’s.

(28DW) Snooze!

(28DW) A Bit of Hows Your Father

You have to pity the guys and gals after a bit of extra marital sex this day and age. Back in the day it was simple, just meet someone who takes your fancy, remove the wedding ring. Few drinks later and you are booked into the nearest travel lodge under the name Mr & Mrs Smith making the beast with two backs.

By أشرف العناني [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
A solid relationship.. solid.. it’s stone you see.. geddit..
All you gotta do is make sure you don’t bump into anyone who knows you or hubby / the missus. Yes morally wrong, but lets not get into that here. Most people eventually got caught, a receipt for a fancy meal left in a jacket pocket or the old lipstick on the collar. But that was when people got careless, a little bit of planning and both members of a marriage could happily screw whomever they wanted for years without the other person finding out. It worked very well for some.

Now on the other hand, with Facebook and Twitter everyone knows everything. How many Facebook statuses have been “At the movies..” House nice and empty to rob then. Or of course for your partner to get their lover round, but careful now those illicit “booty call” texts/BBM’s/iMessages can so easily go astray, sending details of your adventures in fishnets to the whole of your contact list. Better start thinking up “midnight fishing trip” stories for your boss and that investor in Singapore.

But at least you can turn off location services. No-one need know where you and your visiting Canadian concubine or Russian Rutbuddy are shacked up. Safe and warm in each others arms.

Step forward Google.

Yes everyone’s favourite, not at all evil, multi national tech giant has played a part in ending a cheats relationship with his fiancé. Yes the russian equivalent of Google Maps, Yandex, caught the unlucky chap in the arms of another woman, and now his betrothed has chosen to call the whole thing off.

Lucky escape some may say. But it does highlight a greater issue. Soon we will no longer be able to surprise anyone. In a good way. Buy that diamond ring for your girl or PS4 for your boy, they will have seen you on your personal surveillance tape. Yes we have ease of navigation and personal safety, but I tell you something Birthdays and Christmases are gonna suck.


Please check out the work of my 28DW friends at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium Neither of whom appear naked on Google Maps

(28DW) A Bit of Hows Your Father

(28DW) Office Hot

The office. A banal, bland environment where boring people get on with boring work, sat in uniform rows, in front of identical computers (which in my experience are always 3 or 4 generations behind what is current) The 9-5, the old grind. A soulless place, it couldn’t be less about sex if it tried.

Except it is.

It is a hotbed of frustration, fantasy and lust. In fact in some cases it is more productive than the caffeine infused beverages fed intravenously into all office drones. All offices have the “office hot” girl or boy. You know the type of person you wouldn’t look twice at in the street but someone who looks great in a open plan environment, surrounded by others who have given up trying.

Office hot, can get away with murder, especially if their line manager is of the opposite sex. Even if they are older, married or whatever. A quick smile or giggle from Office Hot can excuse them from turning up at 11am 3 hours late for a meeting.

Office Hot, By Jakob Montrasio from Saarbrücken, Germany [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
Although I have explained Office Hot can be a girl or a boy, as a male I have to mention Office Hot girl. She will use everything to tease and beguile male colleagues, anything short and tight is her dress code, flirtation a key factor. Office Hot girl will be twice as productive as her colleagues, because whereas they have to fill out a Request form and sign it in triplicate Office Hot just has to smile and ask nicely, standing just that little bit too close.

Don’t get me wrong. A little bit of office flirtation is a wonderful thing. It lifts the boredom, and boosts self-esteem for both parties. But with it there are risks. Firstly there is always that one person who takes the attentions of Office Hot seriously. Maybe the creepy guy in the corner, he falls in love and turns up at Office Hots house, after calling in a favour from his friend in HR.

Secondly (and this is where I take my tongue out of my cheek) Office Hot can set back any progress made for office equality. Here again I am talking mostly of office hot girl. She knows she has to flirt and flaunt herself to progress. Giggle at the right times. Doing this she might even rise to a management position. Meanwhile, a girl who is more professional and hard working may miss out. Purely because she is not noticed.

Office Hot manager, now out of her depth, faced with guys who are older and are so sexually frustrated they are more able to sort out a wonky golf swing than muster any arousal. Office hot manager, promoted beyond her ability, useless. A black mark against women in management. It happens.

When Office Hot boy ages, he often doesn’t notice. He married one of the girls from accounts 20 years ago, now his bald spot reflects the fluorescent strip lights and due to beer gut he hasn’t seen his penis in 5 years, his wife is screwing the pool boy. Office Hot man still thinks he can pull and flirt how he used to. Except now he is coming across as a lecherous old man. Which is what he is.

The office, despite all the legislation in the world. Will never be a fair place, with fair representation of man, women, gay, hetrosexual, disabled, able-bodied. Because no matter how hard you try, there will always be someone being the stereotype.

 

Please check out the work of my 28DW Comrades at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium 

(28DW) Office Hot

Getting Physical

After a oh too short weekend vegetating on my sofa. (Oh Netflix how I love thee) I must admit I felt a pang of guilt for the lack of physical activity I was involved in. Don’t get me wrong I am far from a “Health nut” Jim Fixx I will never be but I do like to keep myself moving and raise the heart rate every now and again. I have written before of my physical disability (and here I am writing of it again) it helps my general mobility to be slim and generally fit, aside of course from the can’t walk unaided thing!

So an able bodied person of my mind set would be able to exercise, for free. Go for a jog, get those arms pumping get those knees up as high as your spandex shorts will allow. Shorts so tight that if you are male people can see what religion you are, shorts that in no other circumstances would you be seen dead in. But you are a runner so thats OK.

Jogging with crutches is a no go. I have three speeds, Stop, Go and Go Fast as Possible. There is very little holding back. Within 3 seconds I am a sweaty mess, at this time of year with all the slippery leaves on the ground within 5 seconds I am on the ground, with the aforementioned leaves having joined forces with the aforementioned crutches to create something so slippery that the KY jelly people will be jealous. So that’s jogging gone.

Walking of course is another option, and this is what I usually do. However I can’t go very far. If I do my feet and or my legs hurt for up to the next week. Meaning that for all my good intentions I now have to sit on my butt of the sofa. The leaf problem still exists of course at lower speeds however it is slightly easier to avoid.

Fucking, well it’s free. It’s exercise. I like it! One problem with that, it’s only free if you “love someone very much” Being Billy Single rules this option out too, more is the pity. Yes I could pay for it, however if I was going to do that I may as well join a gym and lower the risk of STD’s or Arrest. Additionally, there is an optimum duration that any physical activity has to take place for. I fear I am going to fall short of that goal.

So, if I had a little money to spend. I could go Swimming. Low impact on my joints, good general work out for all the body. All good. Except I hate it. Firstly I’m not a communal changing kinda guy never been a one for “all hanging out together” then when I’m all speedoed up (don’t worry I wouldn’t inflict that on the world, swim shorts!) there is the question of getting from the changing room to the pool. If I take my crutches I will have a better chance of getting there without falling down in the showers or even worse in that veruca ridden pube filled rinsing thing our local pool has.

OK so I’m at the waters edge. Having kept my footing, now what? My sticks don’t float, so they can’t wait at the corner of the pool. If I prop them up at the side, there is a good chance that some of the local scrote will A, Steal them or B, Hide them so that they can laugh at me looking for them. So I’m stuck. I suppose I could take a friend with me, who would then walk with me to the pool. If I did this it is less than dignified, and if my companion is female I’d have to get out of the changing room and through the trough of curly hairs by myself.

In short. Accessibility means slightly more than putting a ramp outside.

Getting Physical