(WMB4X) Tea for Two (am)

It’s the Ashes (again) in Australia. So heres to weeks of disrupted sleep whilst I watch eleven of my compatriots retain (hopefully) professional sports smallest trophy. The first test match is in Brisbane and play starts (for day two) at midnight UK time tonight.

The Ashes

For me it’s actually quite nice. Nicer than when the test matches are on in England. Nowhere to go, no-one who’s gonna call. The wind and rain going on outside whilst I can at least see the sunshine in full HD. I only wish I didn’t have to go to work the next day. Cricket is a sport that many people don’t understand the appeal of, I get that. The naming conventions for the field placings don’t help. Leg slips and Silly Mid-offs are too much for some. Again maybe that is part of the appeal for me.

Test matches last five days (and you thought baseball was a long game) but during that time the upper hand in the game can change several times. A marathon rather than a sprint but with tactical elements a plenty, and especially in the case of the Ashes a great deal of human emotion and passion.

Stuart Broad England fast bowler, has been made a panto villain in the Aussie press for “refusing to walk”. Which basically means, he was out in a previous match, but the umpire didn’t give it so he stayed put. A bit like a footballer doing a bad foul then staying on the pitch because the Ref didn’t give him a red card. There have been front pages encouraging all Aussies to blank Broad wherever he goes. Broad fought back in the best way possible by taking 5 of the 8 Australian wickets to fall yesterday.

When you are up watching this kind of theatre. It is important you stay refreshed, and whilst I did succumb to a wee shot of Jack, by 2am I was ready for bed. Which brings me to the title of this ramble. There is nothing, no drink on earth, I would rather have by my side in the early hours than tea. It warms the mind and soul. So if you like me are watching the cricket or maybe some other more fitting event to your personal preference. Askew the coffee, say good-bye to gin. Go and make a brew. You won’t regret it.

Go and visit the Resident Weeble. He might show you his googly.


Fiction: Morning Tea

This is my third Absolute Write Forum inspired piece. The theme for this month is dialogue only. With an option of including something to do with “Wrong Place, Right Time.” If you enjoy this dialogue only story I have written one other here. Also as usual please check out the other efforts from those participating in the Blog Chain.

“Jules.. Wake up”
“Urgh. Go away”
“C’mon now. Busy day. We’ve slept in long enough.”
“Ten more minutes”
“Julia. Up now.”
“Don’t you Julia me. Five more minutes then. Go on please. I am sleeping for two now.”
“Oh yes I can see who’s gonna be warming baby formula at 5am”
“Me! I won’t have been to bed yet.”
“Enough now. You don’t want to be late for your appointment.”
“I have ages yet hun, you worry too much.”
“I don’t want you to be running around getting stressed..”
“Bad for the baby.. I know you have said it before. Christ Jamie you nearly said it at conception.”
“I did not! Besides its only out of love”
“Come here soppy knickers!”
“No time for cuddles now. Up!!”
“Ok ok. Pass me that shirt will you?”
“This one?”
“No that’s yours.”
“This blue one?”
“Thanks… Is that the kettle I hear boiling?”
“I’m making tea. I know how you like it.”
“I thought I wasn’t allowed caffeine. ‘Not calling the baby Twinings’ you said.”
“It’s Red Bush.”
“Urgh I hate red bush.”
“Not what you said before.”
“Dirty mind. This one time in college, but seriously the tea is foul. Especially when you are on the good stuff.”
“I’m having Red Bush too. Only.. Only fair.”
“Only? Only I wouldn’t drink that if I didn’t have to”
“That’s how much I love you.”
“Oh my god. You are so full of crap. I bet we just ran out of the other ones.”
“Just hurry up and get ready will you. I’ve got something I need to tell you.”
“Oh intriguing. Tolls gone up in the car park again.”
“You make me sound so boring.”
“But you are! You remember the first thing you said to me?”
“I think it was.. What time is the next train?”
“No, you said. ‘St Johns Wood is the only underground train station name not to contain the letters from the word mackerel.’ ”
“You were looking at a tube map. And it worked didn’t it. Here we are three years on, starting a family.”
“I always find that funny.”
“One child and you call it a family”
“Would you like more than one?”
“Yeah, why not.”
“That’s great news!!”
“That’s too enthusiastic for this time in the morning. Do you think I’ve got more than one in here? Should I not bother with the ultrasound!”
“No. I mean yes of course you should. It’s great that you want more kids.”
“Why the sudden change of heart? I had to twist your arm to have this one.”
“I dunno Jules I was worried about the cost of the treatment. I guess.”
“And now you aren’t?”
“That’s kind of what I had to talk to you about.”
“Oh good. Jamie brought the winning lotto ticket.”
“Damn I’ll cancel the down payment on the yacht.”
“Yes, come on spit it out.”
“I’m pregnant too”
“What? How?”
“Wrong place, right time?”

Tea em

If you liked that please check out my other fictional efforts here. Also please check out the other dialogue only pieces from my friends at Absolute Write.

orion_mk3 – http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com (link to post)
Ralph Pines – http://ralfast.wordpress.com/ (link to post)
articshark – http://www.drslaten.com/blog (link to post)
Sudo_One – https://sudoone.wordpress.com/ You Are HERE!
Nissie – http://www.rinchupeco.com/ (link to post)
Angyl78 – http://jelyzabeth.wordpress.com/ (link to post)
Lady Cat – http://randomwriterlythoughts.blogspot.ca/ (link to post)
U2Girl – http://ancatdubh.org/ (link to post)
MsLaylaCakes – http://www.taraquan.com/ (link to post)
SuzanneSeese – http://www.viewofsue.blogspot.com/ (link to post)
LanaK – http://lanaketrick.blogspot.com/ (link to post)
in_one – http://quirkythomas.blogspot.com/ (link to post)

(28DW) Coffee Conglomerates

As you may know I’m not a great fan of the Occupy movement or indeed any anti-capitalist protests. I feel that ship has sailed, the capitalist world is here to stay. Any alternatives look great on paper but due to human nature always fail. People always will want more for themselves. Don’t agree well, the device you are reading this on was made by capitalist big player, so go and live in a box.

However, what I try to believe in is better. Which incidentally is Rupert Murdochs British Sky Broadcastings slogan. Some of the large conglomerates are indeed only interested in money, and the quality of their product suffers. It is this which (when money is tight) forces my arm when I choose where I shop, not some hippy bullshit (tofu shit maybe).

Coffee anyone? (As Costa can’t make tea)

An insult to gnats piss

An insult to gnats piss

UK high street big players Costa and Starbucks, two prime examples of big companies who have let their quality slip chasing the big money in some cases tax free! In my home town coffee at either of these outlets is often poor. Burnt in some cases, orders are confused in Costa, fulfilled by fake familiarity by Starbucks.

Potentially Racist Statement alert!!!

The language barrier exists in both outlets. It is very difficult to complain that your coffee is burnt and you Tuna Melt is still swimming if the barista barely knows the English for “Cup”. You would have thought that as barista in a coffee shop is a customer service position a good grasp of the English language would be a prerequisite. No?

So where do I go thats better? I go for a Picnic.

Picnic is a local coffee shop. (@Picnicfoods) The coffee is of high quality, the staff know how to make a cup of tea and the cakes are homemade. The proprietor of this fine establishment appears to have an excellent recruitment policy. All staff can communicate and are polite and helpful they also happen to all be very cute. Stepford Waitresses maybe?

So I urge you, when looking for somewhere to go for your “cup of Joe” try the local shop, as opposed to the big guys. Not for any ethical reasons you just might get something a little better and flavourful.Try it for other things too, you might get a level of customer service you are not used to.

Please check out the work of my 28DW friends at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium Who I’ve decided should buy me some cake.

(28DW) Jump!

How many times have you jumped so far this year? Not out of a plane or into a long jump pit but jumped out of surprise. You know the kind of “Oh my God Mark! What are you doing in my dress and stockings, it’s not Tuesday.” Kinda jump.

I bet you it’s less than me.

Yes as part of my continued quest to shine daylight on the magic that is disability, I bring you random jumping. Yes a wonderful effect of cerebral palsy means that should a sparrow fart when I’m not expecting it I jump, like a Magnum (the gun as opposed to the ice cream or Tom Selleck) has gone off in my ear. This might be fine, you might think, you’d surely get used to it. No. You don’t.

The reason why you don’t get used to it is the shear variety of ways it can effect you. Balloons are bastards, people popping said items, even when I know what is going to happen, I’m jumping more than a jack-in-the-box. Sometimes, jumping joins forces with the lack of balance with hilarious consequences, you jump and you fall down too. If I remade the video to “99 Red Balloons” I’d fill a whole Video Bloopers show all to myself.

School was a nightmare, especially the drama studio. Now I loved drama, wasn’t too good at it, but I enjoyed it. However we occasionally used to do these exercises, which involved laying down on the floor and getting as relaxed as possible, picturing we are off in a garden or something like that. Being a drama studio the room was largely empty, meaning the school bell signalling it’s “half period” warning was at it’s loudest. Couple this with my “relaxed” state and I jump up to the ceiling, to be laughed at by all, including the drama teacher.

The jump effect I hate most though. Is the tea / hot beverage jump. I love tea, drink it by the gallon. Carry it carefully from kitchen to lounge only for the phone to ring or something to fall down, do I keep composed? After all the tea is very hot. Do I fuck, I jump, tea flies through the air, usually close or over any expensive equipment I have. To top it all, it always seems to occur when I’m hankering after a cuppa the most. So I have to mop up and make another one.

Big deal you may say. But when this happens on a regular basis, you get tired of it. If I could change one thing about my disability it would be that. That over the not being able to walk, or being as dextrous as someone trying to pick up cooked pasta using only their arseholes. Yes those things I can live with, plan for, work around. What can I say, jumping catches me by surprise.

Please check out the work of my 28DW Comrades at The Resident Weeble and A Piece of Pandemonium 

(BDYBIS) Normal

Read this if you will. Caught my attention on last weeks excellent Football 365 Mediawatch page as their non-football story of the day.

Apparently, when you’re arrested for jacking off with a donkey, you want to do your best to make sure the case gets as much publicity as possible. So Carlos Romero decided to give a jailhouse interview and has apparently left several comments across the web defending his love for his donkey. Romero wants his donkey back and claims that sex and emotional intimacy with animals is preferable because humans are just horrible. As we noted yesterday, Romero was arrested up in Marion County over the weekend after he was found fingering his pet donkey and rubbing his nether regions up against it while pleasuring himself. At the time of his arrest Romero said that Florida was “backwards” for looking down on zoophilia.

’Well, Romero isn’t done talking. He said he has always felt an attraction toward animals, especially horses, because people have been known to “stab you in the back, give you diseases, lie to you” and are “promiscuous.” Animals, he said, “are usually there for you” and “do not seek other pleasures.” Their feelings are “100 percent honest,” he added’ – Miami New Times.


Mine are that Mr Romero actually thinks what he is doing is perfectly OK and “normal” well for him anyway. It occurred to me that, donkey sex aside, things we do day to day, in the privacy of our own homes we, for the most part consider to be “normal” small things, like the way we sit or how we store food. It is only when you stay with someone else that you realise these things maybe aren’t as normal as you thought. At the extremities of legal and moral codes of society are where these differences become an issue.

99.9% of the time (stats are made up.. no) normal is a state that simply doesn’t exist. “Normal” reactions to any given situation vary from day to day from person to person. There are several different ways to perform the simplest of tasks, making a cup of tea for example, milk first, squeeze the bag or not etc.

Sometimes folks are judged by society at large for being a little different, eccentric, sometimes quite rightly so. Certainly anyone who fucks a donkey is gonna be judged, by an actual Judge. However as difficult as it is next time you see someone wandering along who doesn’t look right or normal. Just remember they are not, but neither are you.

Also when someone says ride the donkey they mean…..