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Come see the tame wild animal… fox that

Throughout the ages man has shared this spinning orb with many a creature, successfully taming beasts in order for them to make our lives a little easier, horses to pull the heavy plough, dogs to sniff out drugs, pigs to sniff out truffles. This always works best when we as humans respect the animal and their way of life. We have tried the brute force way of keeping animals on our side but for the most part this has resulted in many deaths, both animal and human.

Dogs for example, fit into human life very well. They are pack animals and as long as they know where they are in our pack they are pretty much happy. Humans for the most of our existence have not even thought this way, it is only through advances in dog behaviour studies that we are even aware this is the case. In fact there is strong evidence to suggest that dogs have adapted their natural behaviour to integrate further into the human unit. Barking for example, your family dog or indeed any dog you meet will be able to bark in numerous ways, a playful yip is much different from a go away or I’ll bite your balls bark. On the other hand wild dogs and indeed Wolves in the wild are largely mute aside from the odd howl or growl.

I like Wolves. I like to watch them on TV and if there is an opportunity to observe them in their natural environment from a distance I will. There is however in my home town no less a Wolf Sanctuary. Here you can stroke the tame Wolves like they are a domestic dog. I’ve never been, nor will I. I have no wish to pet a “tame” wild animal. An animal which still has the instincts it was born with, no matter how well it has been trained or hand reared it is still a wild animal. To disregard this fact is showing a huge amount of human arrogance.

Just last week a woman was attacked by two hand reared Cheetah’s at a South African Zoo. To be fair to the woman involved she did save a child from certain death but she was queuing up to get her photo taken with a cheetah. I’m not sure if cheetahs like having their photo taken, I guess if you were to ask them about the local Snappy Snaps they’d direct you to the local crocodile. Cheetahs are wild animals, born to run, hunt, reproduce and sleep. Not pose for something that will look good on Photostream on your Apple TV. An enquiry is ongoing at the zoo as I write this, however the usual outcome to such an event is that the animals that have had the bare faced cheek to protest, pay with their life. This is a shame because the incident occurred due to human arrogance and disrespect.

Channel 4 (In the UK) have been running a series called Foxes Live. On the most part it has been brilliant, full of great footage and information about the UK’s fox population (No mention of Samantha yet.. but there is still time) However some of the tweets the show has received have shone through as examples of the wild animal disrespect. I have no issue with people feeding foxes. I do have issues with people complaining that the fox they fed, came back and raided their bin when there was no food there. I also have issues with people leading the fox into their houses.

A fox is a wild animal. It will gladly take food for itself and its offspring. It will not respect the sanctity of your home or indeed your wheelie bin. It is not tame, it may bite. If it does it’s your fault.

The world around is a beautiful thing. The animals which we share the planet with are all just trying to survive. They are not there for our entertainment, even domestic pets need to be respected in order for the relationships we have to be mutually beneficial.

Now enjoy some fox cubs!

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Push the Boat Out

This year marks the Queens diamond jubilee. A fact that I learned through watching daytime TV. Cultured eh! Through Twitter I learnt that we the British public are to gift the Queen with a new yacht. How dare she ask for a new yacht, doesn’t she know it’s a recession and there’s just been Christmas. Is she not aware that we have credit cards to pay off and sales to take advantage of. Tough choice Royal Yacht for Queeny or double discounts at DFS.

In the writing of this bit I thought I’d do a bit of research into this royal cheek. This act of regal audacity that has all tweeps and face bookers up in arms. I found a picture of Liz down at the yacht dealers. There she was champagne in one hand, public cheque book in the other. Sources say she demanded seats made of kittens and the windows to only be washed using children’s tears, because and I quote ” I am the motherfucking Queen”

This might not have happened. Not just the yacht dealership. All of it the Queen asking for a new yacht. Never happened, well maybe she asked Philip, but not the great British public. The person who came up with idea this was MP Michael Gove. The idea has been panned by the Government and Govey branded “out of touch”

Now there is a long tradition of public gifts to the Royal family. Many of these gifts attract visitors from all the world over. The QE II the last Royal Yacht was used as floating diplomacy for many years, entertaining dignitaries, promoting trade and investment in the UK and playing a huge part in building bridges between the UK and the rest of the world. People like to slate the monarchy as outdated elitism. In many ways it is, but depending on how you look at it, it’s stupid to have it any other way. The Queen is 85 years old, so she is hardly going to be joining to queue for Tinie Tempah tickets.

Given the choice between tea with Dave and Nick or tea with Liz and Phil most foreign investors will choose the Queen. In this time of recession we need to use everything we can to get investors to bring their jobs to the UK. If a few custard creams with the Queen on a new yacht bring in a couple of a million jobs I can’t see a downside. Oh yes the £60m price tag.. well with the adult populous of the UK at nearly 51m (depending where you look) if we all pay £1.17 the Queen can have the yacht. Maybe some of us..especially those protesting most will get a job out of it.

The QE 2

It’s Bill!

“Good evening, my name is Bill Hicks. I’ve been on the road now doing comedy 12 years, so, uh, bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit one more time. … I’m kinda tired of traveling, kinda tired of doing comedy, kinda tired of staring out at your blank faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn’t possibly think of yourselves.”

Today would have Bill Hicks’ 50th Birthday if hadn’t died age 32 from pancreatic cancer in 1994. The world is a poorer place without him. Bill, for those who don’t know was a comedian the likes of which we don’t see today. He was not a gag merchant, he was not afraid to swim against the tide of popular opinion whilst his contemporaries were all about hinting their maybe something wrong with 90’s corporate America or the Gulf War, Bill told it like it was. This brand of home-truth was new to the majority of America and effected his popularity on home shores. The British however lapped it up.

“Amazing, you’re not gonna believe this it’s true, the last show I did. Belfast, Ireland, never been to Belfast Ireland, played to 900 screaming adoring fans at a turn of the century theatre that Oscar Wilde performed in. Only to come back to America, a country I’ve toured ceaselessly for fifteen years. To play Adolf’s comedy bunker in Idaho. And find twenty five apathetic people, strangers one and all, staring at me like a dog that has just been shown a card trick.” Bill on his return to the states.

I was 14 when Bill died, and up until that point I hadn’t (like most of America) seen much of his act. But subsequently I have made up for this by watching and re-watching anything I can get my hands on that Hicks had the vaguest connection with. (Because of this I have seen everything Denis Leary did too) I wish Bill was still alive, a lot of the concerns he had and expressed so well in the late 80’s early 90’s have been proved to be more than justified. I would love to hear Bill’s thoughts on X-Factor, Glee, Apple, Afghanistan, “The War on Terror” and so many other things.

The world still needs Bill Hicks, I still need Bill Hicks. I have a printout of the “Just a Ride” speech on my desk at work. It gets me through. Thank you Bill for making my ride a little more bearable.

Poem: Her Lover

Her lover is suave and stylish,
Smart and witty too,
He knows answers to her questions,
And I don’t have a clue.
He remembers her birthday,
And that of Uncle Fred,
And when that winter sale starts,
In Next and Red or Dead.

Her lover is well spoken,
He knows all the hot spots and bars,
I’ve even heard them talking,
About where best to buy her bras.
I think they are planning to kill me,
Magical evil witchcraft,
He’s told her to hide the body,
In the old abandoned mineshaft.

He’s always there beside her,
To respond to her loving caress,
For his name is Siri,
And he lives in her 4S.

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